Ivy Roundup: One Second Edition

and Scott Miller After Penn got shunned in the 59 minute, 59 second game at Dartmouth, we here at Roundup certainly have a second to spare. Over the past week, in our free time, we have compiled all of the little things -- things that seem to slip by in the fleeting seconds of the Ivy League. So, without wasting any of your precious moments, we'll wind back the clock and begin with? Corrupt Chain Gang of the Week We bloodhounds at Roundup sure smelled something fishy after being denied the opportunity to attempt a game-winning field goal in Hanover, N.H. No, it was not the frosh sleeping in their own stomach extract from Saturday morning's fraternity parties. The fishy smell was coming from one conspicuous member of the nationally-renowned ECCC -- the Eastern Collegiate Chain Crew. Clad in their baseball-esque red pinstripe jerseys and stirrups, each member had their name proudly sewn on the back of their uniforms. While moving the chains is a noble occupation, perhaps the guy holding the first-down marker should have taken the day off. Especially since our Roundup sleuths were there. Branded on the back of the suspicious member was 'Faucher.' Hmm? we seem to recall a Big Green Weenie basketball coach named Faucher. We at Roundup salute the basketball 'coach.' Instead of being selfish and going on recruiting trips and scouting high schools, he helps out the rest of the Green athletic programs. Rest assured, despite Faucher's off-season neglect, the Dartmouth gurus promise us that the basketball program is still growing. We'll just have to call for a measurement on that one. Heisman Watch of the Week Football great John Heisman coached the Penn Quakers, but in contrast to his outstanding reputation, the guy actually attended Brown. With this in mind, it seems the Bears are all but calling for a Heisman trophy for their quarterback Jason McCullough. The kid who is "an All-American candidate" and "assaulted the Brown record books" is back for his final season, and expectations are high. Sources close to Roundup tell us a "McCullough for Heisman" campaign may be in the works. Try to imagine flyers plastered around campus, postcards sent out to the voters and a packed Brown Stadium. The highlight films (which obviously wouldn't include McCullough's brilliant performance in the 58-21 drubbing the Bears endured at Franklin Field last year) would sell like hotcakes. Reality check: Brown was SHUT OUT by Yale (?!!), 30-0. How 'bout starting a McCullough job search instead. Big Zeroes of the Week There is a sucker bOrn every minute, and this week in HanOver, One arrived every secOnd -- except, Of cOurse, during the One that was missing. The entering Big Green frOsh were definitely nOt financial wizards (WhartOn rejects). Enthralled with the idea they wOuld be spending the next fOur years withOut electricity, the whOle plethOra Of them bOught the dOuble-zerO t-shirts On sale specifically fOr the class of 2000. In the stands, there were mOre 'O's than a bOx of CheeriOs. Which, Of cOurse, leads us tO a little jOke: What dO DartmOuth frOsh have tO dO On the weekends in HanOver? ZerO. Princeton Loser of the Week We at Roundup had a tough time with this one. "Really?" you ask. No, not really. They're all losers. Every single one of 'em. Especially when they lost to the Big Red Suicide Machine on the frozen tundra of Schoellkopf. Unfortunately, the Little Kitties didn't toss themselves off the bridge, keeping with the time-honored Cornell tradition.

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