COLUMN: Dignity and Respect: The Politics of Hooking Up at Penn

From Corin Brown's "The Ugly Stick Chronicles," Fall '94 From Corin Brown's "The Ugly Stick Chronicles," Fall '94 Are you gettin' any? If you answered, "no" then you most likely don't want any more inquiries into the current paucity of the aforementioned "any" in your life. Nevertheless the drama of hooking up at Penn is a serious production whose cast of characters is played by some of the most colorful personalities on campus. Here is a sampling of just one type of romance from the Penn Hook-up Theater. "Roger" is the super smarmy senior guy, a veteran Smoke's shmoozer/scammer. He is usually a charming, handsomely strapping fraternity fellow. Everyone knows a Roger. This guy has spent his entire Penn career saddled up to the bar at the Pennstitution. Roger's free flowing, nightly patronage has kept Paul and Joe's watering hole well in the black over his years at Penn. Roger triggers all of his romances from within the cozy confines of his reserved corner seat at the bar which is closest to the door. From his perch he keeps himself constantly abreast of every prospect entering his domain through its dark seedy gates. "Missy" resides at 3700 Spruce St. She is the eager-to-be-cool freshman lass which guys like Roger hook up with daily. Her above average ID has gained her admittance into Roger's domain and she is powerless against his allure. Missy hooks up with guys like Roger but after it becomes blindingly clear to her what his intentions are, she will hopefully move on to one of his brothers or an equally as cool "sweet-guy" in another house. Everyone knows a Missy. Missy is not a bad girl. But like most people, guy or girl, she is easily seduced by anybody who pays attention to her (as long as they're not power tools). She may like whomever she is hooking up with, but she recognizes the social system she is mired in, and dismisses any possibility for a long term relationship as folly. Tragically, Missy is also slowly and unknowingly carving out a probably undeserved reputation for herself as well. That of the nubile, dumb as dirt, freshwoman screwing ... uh ... I mean networking, her way through every house sporting Greek letters from Penn to Penn State. Each night at around 9:00 P.M. big Roger struts into Smoke's assumes his stately perch upon his throne, lights up a Marlboro Light, and begins to suck down pitchers. He might sit alone at first, but his status is written all over him. When patrons enter Smoke's they are impressed with his chum-like rapport with both Paul and Joe. Soon his younger fraternity brothers filter in and hover around him to fight over and gobble up any discarded morsels of senior sagacity. But as the night inches forward, his vast network of super-hip sorority sisters gradually supplant his fraternity brothers and he resumes the typical casual Greek courtship with whichever sister whose loins were screaming for him that week. Of course Roger didn't just move into the quad his freshman year and effortlessly acquired his title with a Maddenesque "Boom!" -- "Roger the Conqueror, Emperor of Smoke's, ruler over all V.I.P.'s." I remember sophomore year, having to sit in class with a Roger and not being able to take notes because he was too busy telling how great Smoke's was the night before. Now he doesn't have to tell us. We all just know what he does at Smoke's. He drinks and hooks up with whomever wants to hook up with him. Sometimes deep down usually after he talks to his mom and she asks him about the girls, Roger ponders his niche in the Penn social machine and wonders if he likes it. He wonders if he can change it. He wonders if he wants to change it. Then he wonders about his occasional squelched feelings for past scams that kept him from longer, more serious commitments. But his thoughts rapidly return to the volumes of plaudits heaped upon him every night by fawning women while sitting at his throne. He does this while ignoring the restrictive nature of his status and thinks about how much play he has gotten that semester, rather than worrying about his inability to have real feelings for anyone. Besides, it would be too much of a hassle to break the shackles of the Penn social machine and follow his heart. He has a tradition to uphold. He has a reputation to maintain. This title of "Stud" was passed down, from generation to generation of fraternity scammer. What's he supposed to do? Roger and Missy are extreme caricatures. Their true feelings and instincts are stifled while their actual actions are being dictated by that amorphous but omnipotent orb known as the Penn social scene. Roger can't even talk to, much less hook-up with, anyone who doesn't meet the rigorous quality control standards of his friends. And Missy is forever relegated to the purgatory of Penn slutdom, whether she deserves it or not. Roger and Missy's respective plights of being stuck in the Penn social caste system can be extrapolated, to some degree, to other social groups inside and outside the Penn campus. My mom taught me a little axiom for life that has helped me not only with hooking up, but with other situations as well. Maybe it could help Roger and Missy. Mom told me, "Son, treat people with dignity and respect. Be honest to yourself and others, and most importantly don't be fake. Everything will work out." Nice try, Mom. Corin Brown is a junior Political Science major from Newton, Massachusetts. The Ugly Stick Chronicles appears alternate Thursdays.

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