Unified Team scrapes by Sports

HIGH RISE NORTH FIELD -- Less than 24 hours after the Toronto Blue Jays pulled off an international upset by winning the World Series, the Daily Pennsylvanian's "Unified Team" scored one of the most stunning upsets in University history as they beat the Sports staff in football to win the coveted Kamin Cup. A crack staff led by 34th Street film editor Josh Tyrangiel embarassed the Sports football juggernaut on two touchdowns to DP Finance Manager Harvey "my cleats are so" Fine. The News-Street-Business axis defeated the Josh Astrof-led Sports team, 14 to 7. "For a real asshole, Fine played well," Astrof said with sour grapes Monday night . And team quarterback-amateur evangelist Tyrangiel said he felt a divine presence on the Unified Team's side. About his first-half bomb to Fine, Tyrangiel said "It was almost like an epiphanal moment, the sun kind of shone on him. I have to say that God played a big part in the victory." "I feel like Burt Reynolds in The Longest Yard," Tyrangiel added. "And Kenny Baer's got talent. He was a valuable member of the team." Street staff member and Ottawa native Dan Ages said the victory proves that "heart really does beat muscle." But the Unified Team really shone on the defensive end of the pigskin with the bulk of columnist Jonathan Steinmetz and sales manager Barry Freeman on the line, the wily Rob Engs in the secondary, the Hamburglaresque Justin Foa and the bonecrushing tackles of Associate Editor Stephen Glass and Executive Editor Matt Klein. But grit and intestinal fortitude prompted league officials to name City Editor Margaret "Exit 9" Kane -- who overcame her height and asthma -- the most valuable player of the game. "It's a huge honor. Can I put it on my resume now," the unemployed Engineering senior asked. In the final seconds, Sports -- a team chock full of frustrated athletes -- failed on four tries to penetrate the endzone. On one throw, Engs cleanly slapped the ball right out of Sports Editor Jonathan Mayo's hands. Wide receiver Heath Slawner, one of the two Unified members from the Great White North, said that the victory was bittersweet because 34th Street editors Matt Selman and Dan Sacher were not at the game. "I just think they're lazy bums. They promised that beer was going to be here -- it's not a good example," he said. According to the Unified Team's top strategists, the secret "Three Banana Play" was the key to the victorious team's offensive strategy. The bananas -- Baer, Kane, Street writer Andy Espenshade -- confused and befuddled the Sports secondary. "I was the third banana," said Street editor Josh Cender, who left after the first game between News and Business and will now live a life of anonymity a la the Beatles' Pete Best. Unsurprisingly, the Sports staff tried to find excuses to explain their loss. "It's a disappointing loss, but I don't think the game is ever indicative of a team's talents," said wide receiver Michael Mishkin, one of the few Sports staffers who also played in Sports last loss in 1989. Sports editor Matt Kelly said that Klein "should not have been on the field," saying that "it was a clear conflict of interest" since he was also league commissioner and timekeeper. "It doesn't help when the commissioner doesn't know the rules," he added venomously. Klein -- clothes by Ralph Lauren, glasses by Armani -- replied that in the future, "I would recommend not a referee, but a bouncer." While animosity reigned supreme on the field, it was limited against Sports. "Editorial, Street, and Business overcame common differences to beat the common enemy, Sports," said Selman who missed the game due to an emergency dermatologist's appointment.

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