COLUMN: "Reflections With The Man In The Mirror"

A dark and lonely figure rises from his resting place, the pre-dawn aurora from the rising sun having cast its glow on his tired and drawn face awakening him from his nightly dreams of cheering crowds and 90% approval ratings. He makes his way to the bathroom. "Good Morning George," comes the familliar admonishing voice. "Oh, not you again. Didn't I tell the Secret Service to get rid of you?" "Yes, you did. After they finished laughing they reminded you that such an act would be contradicting their mission since it would entail getting rid of you too. It isn't easy to eliminate your conscience, though I must commend you. You've done better then most." "Oh shut up. Look, I don't need this every morning. It's bad enough that so many people hate me - I have to face that every day - but this is unfair. I wouldn't do this to you if you were the one who had to sleep with Barbara all night." "But George, you forget, I'm you. I sleep with Barbara all night, every night. Well, except for that time when..." "Hey! Be quiet! Don't let that slip. My God, if Geraldo ever found out about that I'd be villified." "Most of the country is already villifying you." "I meant the ones who aren't, those who fall for that family values thing." "Do you mean the Jim Bakker followers or the Jimmy Swaggert defenders?" "Oh stop it." "Look George, enough of this banter, we go through this every day. Now I, I mean we, have been doing some serious thinking. I realize that this is unusual for us but bear with me, I want to ask you a serious question." "Not now, I'm trying to shav... Ow! Goddammit!" "Tsk tsk George. What if baby Danforth heard that kind of language from you? He'd set you up next to Murphy Brown as the First Couple of moral depravation. You really must be more careful. Make sure you have that scratch covered with some make-up before you go out or else the people of this country might start to think that their President is human. Now listen, I want to know: Why are you, I mean we, running for President?" "What kind of stupid question is that?" "Is it really that stupid? I mean don't Americans have the right to know why you are seeking the Presidency? I suppose it is only because you already have the job, but I don't think that's a good enough reason either for you to run or for anyone to vote for you." "Of course that's not the only reason! There are plenty of good reasons why I'm running for President!" "Such as?" "Well, uh..." "I'm waiting." "Um, well... I have more experience than anyone else alive who is still eligible to run except for Ford and that liberal Democrat bozo, Carter." "Actually, the last I checked, that liberal Democrat bozo was out helping to raise money and build homes for poor people. You might even call him a point of light. But, back to you. You say you have experience but tell me, what accomplishments can you point to?" "Well, I won the Gulf War." "Hmmmm... I don't know if I'd repeat that too often until well after Saddam is six feet under. Watching his smiling face in Democratic attack ads this fall might have a disturbing affect on voters if they keep getting reminded of your "victory" In fact, if you wish to discuss family values it almost looks like you and Saddam were set to get married before you backed out and started bombing him. Lack of committment I'd say." "Hey, that's a cheap shot!" "So were Willy Horton and Boston Harbor. But anyway, what else have you done? Excuse me, what else have you done that was beneficial to America?" "Well, I uh... The defecit is... Oh, no can't talk about that, um... I bailed out the... the... bank things, can't think of what what they're called just now but... well, that wasn't to good either... Dan Quayle... No, um, the recession was not... well actually... I appointed two more undistinguished justices to the Sanguine Court..." "You mean Supreme Court?" "Oh, of course, slip of the tongue that's all, ha ha. I know! I got it! I forced the Democrats to finally nominate someone who is intelligent, articulate and not a liberal!" "Score one for you. All right, you really haven't done anything yet except blame Congress for all the problems of the universe and manage to annoy the rest of the world while placating your buddies in industry with your environmental policies. We know that much, but I think the real question George old boy is what will you do in your second term? What do you stand for anyway?" "Truth, Justice and the American Way." "Be serious." "I am." "You don't expect people to believe that do you?" "They did last time." "Yeah, I guess they did. Good point. Listen, I know you're going to do anything to get yourself reelected, but why? Don't you have any principals except your own political survival?" "Um..." "Do you have any agenda whatsoever except to cap your resume and spend the next four years able to fly around the world at taxpayer expense? George, why are you running? Give me one good reason why anyone, aside from your personal friends, Democrat or Republican, should vote for you in November?" "I uh... I'm not a demogauge like Ross Perot who pretends he is holier than thou." "So what? That's like saying we should vote for Mussolini over Hitler because Mussolini is less psychotic. Look, you already sold your soul to the minority right-wing of your party in order to gain a title and some prestige, while selling out most of the American people in the process. Do you have to do it again?" "Enough already. The fact is I want to be President because I... I... oh, just get lost will you?" "I already am."

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