Column: Sex Is Fun, Sex Is Natural

That's right. I have a penis. I like sex. I like women. I like to talk about sex. I like to talk about women. And I like my penis. Unfortunately, this makes me a sexist pig. Men are not allowed to talk about sex, think about sex or pop a woodie without being labeled as girl-beatin', wife-swappin' Nazis. Well, stuff that. Sex is the single most popular activity ever invented. It beats television. It beats beer and drugs. And unless you live in Hill House, a screaming, hair-curling, paint-peeling orgasm beats Calc 240 any day. Odds are your parents even got laid once or twice. But if you are on a college campus, any man who mentions sex is instantly labeled sexist. If a guy in a fraternity mentions sex, women assume he is a Moroccan white slaver looking for new merchandise to sell to his brother Abu in Casablanca. But I don't really mind being misunderstood. If I can't get a date, then I'll just go abuse some of the babes we keep chained up in the basement. It is possible to talk about sexual situations without insulting women. Comedians, some very popular, both male and female, talk about sex. Dr. Ruth is incredibly well-known for a squeaky dwarf. Sex is funny. Sex is interesting. Sex is fun. Wack it. Jack it. Work it around. Let me talk about it. Contrary to what some women say, sex isn't sexist. Sex is a two-way street. I can't believe every guy at Penn boinked the same three very happy women. Penises do not imply male domination. Guys like to play with their toys. Guys like to talk about their toys. Guys want other people to play with their toys. If men had breasts, they would talk about them all day instead. Then people would complain about nipple-centrism. P.C. English profs would tell you that phallocentrism is O.K., but boob-ism would be a definite no-no. Somehow, women can't possibly be sexist. Most of them talk about men. They talk about intercourse and orgasm and oral sex. Don't deny it. And don't forget: NO TEETH. Men just talk about it more often. Female comediennes can talk about men in sexual situations without getting in trouble. Reverse the situation, and you're a cock-dominated sexist woman cruncher. I'm sexist if I find hairless female legs attractive. But I'm not trying to impose my social mores on everyone else. I'm just tired of having my back scratched. Fraternities are a prime target for the Penn Crusade for a Penis-Free Campus (PCPC). Why? Because some fraternities sometimes do sexist things. Take PiKA, for example. Fraternities screw up because they are composed of a bunch of slowly maturing college-age men living all together. But the same could be said of the U.S. Army and most of the state of Louisiana. It's not a function of the fraternity system, it's a function of where men live. A rape occured in the Quadrangle on October 26, but the campus hardly responded. If the rape had happened in a fraternity, the Crunchy Bunch would have firebombed the place. Fraternities are an easy target. That's where men live. Its easy to take anything done by a group of men and label it as being sexist. Fraternity fliers or T-shirts that mention sex are considered sexist immediately. This is bullshit. Talking about sex is not sexist. One house wanted to do a flier for a "casino night" rush event. The slogan would have said "Come blow your wad at ABC." Militant tree-hugging lovelies threw a fit. The flier got nixed. But the flier wasn't sexist. It never offered women for sale, never implied that women would be at the event. It was a rush event. No women were going to be there and everyone knew it. The flier was a sperm joke. Blow your wad, lose you cash. Get it? The house sure wasn't offering to provide women, blow jobs or even a good old-fashioned circle jerk. But you can't make a joke about sex if you are in a fraternity. If Delta Sigma Pi, the Wharton Business Frat, made the same flier, it would have been considered really funny. Of course, they're funny guys. Humor is important. The entire world would be better off if everyone pulled out their moralistic butt plug and relaxed a little. Sex (safely done) is good, natural and loads o' laughs. If we can't make jokes about a something as fundamental as sex, life will be really depressing. What should we joke about? Church? Statistics? You can sit around and complain. I'm gonna stay loose, wiggle it (just a little bit) and talk about my penis all I want. Remember Spinal Tap? "What's wrong with being sexy?" Andy Sernovitz is a senior Marketing and Political Science major from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mall Rats With Big Hair appears alternate Wednesdays.

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