Column: Good Gramar Ain't No Thang

But papers come in a close second. Imagine my dismay, then, when I read Strunk and White's Elements of Style, supposedly the standard writing guide used by nearly everyone, and found that it was sketchy and full of errors! Naturally I wrote an addendum to it, which is printed below. Active and Passive Voice. The active voice is used in sentences where stuff is happening. The passive voice is used where no stuff is happening. PASSIVE: I think I'll sit on this here sofa. ACTIVE: I think I'll blow up this here sofa. Christ Figure. Professors love this, and not just English professors. BAD: The patient should receive 40 cc's of Dioxoglobulomyathinase. GOOD: The patient, obviously a Christ Figure, should receive . . . Citation. Not to be confused with Quote (see below). A citation is what you get for parking illegally outside Bennett Hall while handing in a paper at the last minute. Fear of citations may cost you a full letter grade. Colon. An easily abbreviated body part. BAD: "Damn," complained Nate Cade, "My colon hurts." GOOD: "Damn," complained Nate Cade, "My : hurts." Conditional Verbs. Some verbs only make sense under certain conditions. These are conditional verbs. Be careful to use them properly. Here is an example using the conditional verb "dampening." BAD: The sunlight hit her face, dampening it. GOOD: The wet cat hit her face, dampening it. Effect and Affect. Despite what many less authoritative sources may tell you, these words mean exactly the same thing. Use them interchangeably. Farther and Further. Further means "more far." Farther means your dad. BAD: I can run farther than he. BETTER: I can run further than my farther. BEST: I can run further than my farther, who is obviously a Christ Figure. Footnote. Contrary to popular belief, the word "footnote" comes not from its position on the page, but its length. Foot-long footnotes are generally considered best. BAD: 1. Ibid. GOOD: 2. Von Snout, Gregory, "The Undeniable Miasma: Hemingway and Personal Hygiene" in Pretensions, vol. 1, issue 6, chapter 11, pp. 423-444 (Glunk, Badfinger, Preen and Co.: New Perversia, 1973), size 9, Dodgers 4, Expos 3. Gerunds. Gerunds are words ending in "ing." They sound good, so throw them in whenever possible. BAD: I like to play Bach on my stereo. BETTER: I like playing Bach on my stereo. BEST: I like playing Sting on my kicking stereo. Idiom. And idiom is something said by an idiot. It should always be followed by a disparaging statement. BAD: Dungway believes that Shakespeare was actually a woman. GOOD: Dungway believes that Shakespeare was actually a woman. What a jerk. Independent Clauses. These are clauses that like to hang around by themselves. Set them off with periods. BAD: You're a chucklehead, and so's your mom. GOOD: You're a chucklehead. And so's your mom. Infinitives. Infinitives are words that go on for infinity. They are useful when you need filler. EXAMPLES: The dying man screamed, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa . . . " She picked up the phone and said, "Blahblahblahblahblahblah . . . " Margin. Margin is a butter substitute made of partially hydrogenated animal fat. It is rarely used in papers, unless they are written while eating an English muffin. Objective Case. Your writing should be as objective as possible, and the Objective Case is the most Politically Correct. Use it at all times. BAD: I think that Dostoyevsky sucks. BETTER: I think that Dostoyevsky sucks, but what do I know. BEST: My professor said Dostoyevsky sucks. Obscenity. Professors appreciate clear, concise language, and there's nothing quite like an obscenity to make your point quickly. BAD: Barcalounger's critique of the New Deal, while ambitious, is flawed in its unreasonable plea to alter the national political system. GOOD: Barcalounger's critique of the New Deal is a crock of shit. Oedipal Complex. A favorite among all profs (see Christ Figure). BAD: . . . was discovered by Galileo, inventor of the telescope. GOOD: . . . was discovered by Galileo, who killed his dad in order to possess his mom. Quote. Your teachers don't want the same tired old quotes. Use obscure sources often. BAD: Schumway observes that "Melville is the greatest American writer." (3) BETTER: My roommate points out that "Moby Dick really blows." (4) BEST: On the subject of Melville, Judas Priest suggests that "I am Iron Man / Ba da da da da da da, da da da." (5) Run-on. Run-ons are boring sentences that never seem to end. Fix them by adding lots of punctuation. BAD: . . . and in the last quarter, we showed gains of over thirty-seven points . . . GOOD: . . . and! in? the, last; "quarter" [we] showed/gains' of:, etc. Sit and Set. Sit should be used when someone is sitting down on something. Set should be used when someone is sitting down on something in a rural area. EXAMPLES: I think I'll sit down on the sidewalk and have a Colt 45. I think I'll set down on that there haystack. · You'll probably want to clip this guide and paste it in the back of your copy of Strunk and White, just to have it around. I guarantee that you will notice a change in your grades as soon as you start using it. John Lennon is a senior English major from Phillipsburg, New Jersey. Stepping On The Big Man's Toes appears alternate Mondays.

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