Toenail Care (and the UA)

My topic is the Undergraduate Assembly, which is not one of the top 500 most important things in the average student's life. So, to help you get through this without falling asleep, I'm going to mix in a few comments on a much more interesting topic: cleaning your toenails. The very fact that I have to take this approach demonstrates the main problem with the UA: Nobody gives a damn what they say or do. Not the administration, not the faculty and certainly not their constituents, the undergraduate student body. In the 18-year history of the UA, no election has attracted even one-fifth of the student body. Not even one-fifth. And that includes all the close friends of people running for the UA, who promptly ceased giving a damn after their buddies were elected. To be fair, there are three groups of people who care what the UA says and does, the first of course being the UA members themselves, though even some of them don't seem to be all that concerned. The second group is leaders of other student groups, who think that the UA's backing or opposition on an issue may actually influence the outcome of the situation, which is of course ridiculous. The third group is editors at this newspaper, who frequently give the UA front-page coverage even though, as stated above, nobody gives a damn. Have you considered the effects that improper toenail care may have on your sexual performance? Reports my friend Erika, "Ooh, it's completely gross when you see these toenails that are totally disgusting. I always scream at him [Erika's slob boyfriend] when he does that." Erika added that getting a smooth, even cut is equally important. Otherwise, you may accidentally give your partner a nasty scratch on the leg (or wherever your foot happens to be). So we can assume that the number of people who give a damn about the UA is no more than 40, or about one-half of one percent of the undergraduate student body -- but that's not the UA's fault. To be sure, if they'd had any credibility to start with, last week's constitutional antics would have blown it. But chances are the administration barely even noticed. The UA will never be taken seriously as a political force on campus, because administrators know that the UA's constituency isn't really behind them. If the UA really wanted to go toe-to-toe with President Sheldon Hackney, could they rally the student body to their support? Of course not; nobody gives a damn. And Hackney knows that. So why should he give a damn? And if Hackney doesn't give a damn, why should we? But at least one student felt that long toenails in bed could actually help rather than hinder. "I let my big toenails grow long, for use in karate -- I can slice things with them, like your throat," said John. "In bed, you can dig into the mattress with them, for more leverage." Those of you for whom inflicting pain is an important part of the sex act may elect for a tasteful, creative, jagged toenail cut. Many pedicurists on South Street specialize in this treatment, but making jagged toenail cuts is fun and it's easy enough to do in the privacy of your own home. And wasting yet another year trying to restructure student government won't change that. The other branches of student government (the Student Activities Council, the Social Planning and Events Committee, the Student Committee on Undergraduate Education, and other UA committees) function rather well, which might be why their leaders haven't shown much interest in restarting the convention. Rewriting the constitution won't make the UA any more effective as a political body -- nothing can. Because no matter what form student government takes, nobody will give a damn. So good luck getting 20 percent of the student body to ratify this thing. Besides, last week's "crisis" over an Engineering rep's leave of absence demonstrated that most of the current UA hasn't even read the constitution they've got. Well I have, and any halfway intelligent person should be able to come up with a perfectly constitutional solution to the dilemma in about two minutes. I could explain it here, but I'm pressed for space and besides, nobody gives a damn. But one can also derive masochistic satisfaction from his lower digits. "Sometimes, just for fun when I'm drunk, I'll go home and rip out all my toenails," campus deviant Joe told me. "And if a woman ever did that for me . . . Wow! I'd be good to go." The best student leaders realize that the only way students influence the administration is on an individual basis, not through the resolutions of some pseudo-representative body. By working closely with top administrators through the UA and other student groups, certain students -- particularly those on University Council -- can and do earn credibility and clout with the administration, and can personally influence major decisions. Effective student representation has nothing to do with the exact structure of student government, and it certainly has nothing to do with whether Tobias Dengel gets to vote from Czechoslovakia. It has to do with establishing yourself as a credible, knowledgable, serious representative -- and not being a bunch of ego-driven, resume-padding, ignorant clowns. So I called UA Chair Mitch Winston last week to see if he had anything to say about all this. He told me he had no comment on toenail care. And even if he did, who gives a damn? Jay Levin is a senior Political Science major from Akron, Ohio. Not That You Asked appears alternate Tuesdays.

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