Need Help? Read This Column

I know this because I recently read an advertisement for a self-help product, which basically told me that I was victimized, emotionally injured, had poor posture and was likely to die penniless and insane in a humid third-world country unless I bought this particular self-help product for only $79.95. Thank goodness I saw the ad; I had been walking around feeling pretty good, not even aware of my deep-seated and ultimately fatal mental disorders. I opened my self-help product with therapeutic anticipation as soon as the mailman set it gingerly on my doorstep, smiled gamely, then fled. Inside I found three things: an inspiring, spiritually-uplifting self-help book to read, a spirited, upliftingly-inspired cassette to listen to and a hard-to-lift block of wood to whack myself repeatedly about the head and neck with. What the book and cassette told me was that a regular program of introspection and autotherapy, coupled with frequent use of the block of wood, would enable me to loose the chains of emotional instability and purchase more self-help products. I think this is great. I mean, everyone has some sort of inner problem that needs to be dealt with. Everyone, that is, except George Bush, who has all his wits about him. This is obvious, for instance, in his selection of a Supreme Court justice; he's got it together enough to have found the only African-American male ("Don't wanna do the woman thing, wouldn't be prudent") in the United States who agrees with everything he says. What I figure is that George sent all the judges in the country a questionnaire: · Supreme Court Justice Nominee Questionnaire 1) Who has the best ideas about foreign policy? a) Newsweek b) The New York Times c) George Bush 2) Who has the best ideas about women's rights, particularly abortion? a) Women b) Doctors c) George Bush 3) Who do you pick to win the World Series? a) Pittsburgh Pirates b) Minnesota Twins c) George Bush Give yourself a point for each "c" answer. · At any rate, I was talking about the fact that everyone has a problem that needs to be treated via mail-ordered self-help products. Take my mom, for instance. Generally a wonderful woman, she is fixated on hair, in the form of her firm belief that unless I have short hair in my senior yearbook portrait, I'll never get a job. EMPLOYER: I think we should go with this Lennon fellow. His credentials are excellent, his references are glowing, and his resume is neatly-typed. EMPLOYER'S ASSISTANT: Wait a minute, sir. Look at his yearbook portrait. EMPLOYER: Good Lord. Okay, then, we'll hire that kid from Harvard. I have several problems myself, which I have learned to recognize with the aid of the self-help industry. For instance, I have this habit, while driving, to categorize everyone on the road. I have four major categories. CATEGORY 1: People who have just passed me, who are maniacal, hell-bent, highway demon bastards. CATEGORY 2: People whom I have just passed, who are dim-witted, doddering, traffic-accident-causing idiots. CATEGORY 3: People who are going the same speed as me, who are indecisive, wishy-washy, knock-kneed wimp buttheads. CATEGORY 4: Me. In the past, I found this system to be both a boost to my self-esteem and a fun way to release aggressions. Now, however, through my new program of self-help, I have abandoned this system and only take public transportation, which is run by arrogant, cross-eyed, manipulative drunkards with hair growing from their ears. Needless to say, I'm feeling much better now. Another useful portion of the self-help industry is the personal how-to book. Such books can aid you in learning all sorts of valuable personal skills, such as how to improve your personal image, how to develop personal relations, and how to fill out personal checks. Take, as an example, the ever-useful sex manual. You might think that your sex life is fine the way it is, but you're completely wrong. It can really get much better, as is made clear in several popular books on the subject, such as "Improve Your Sex Life," "Sex For The Whole Family," "Bob Woodward's Guide to Sex," and "Let's See What's In The Fridge." With these guides, you can have pleasurable and meaningful sexual experiences such as this one: YOU: Ooooh. Oh yeah, baby. YOUR COMPANION: Oh, yes. Ooooh. Oh, just a second, honey. What now? YOU: Um . . . hold on, I'll check. (flip, flip, flip) Let's see . . . small game . . . major appliances . . . overnight mail delivery personnel . . . umm . . . ah, here it is! Parmesan cheese! Honey? Darling? Wake up, dear! Of course, if you're having trouble attracting sex partners to begin with, there are how-to books to help you do this, too. Many of them suggest a weight-loss program, a body-toning routine, tips on the application of huge gobs of hair-care products, or instructions on how to take out full-page ads in major metropolitan newspapers. My personal recommendation, however, in becoming more sexually attractive is to drink a lot of Coors Light Beer. As anyone can see from Coors' TV commercials, people who drink Coors Light are obviously going to be surrounded by lots of heaving, grinning members of the opposite sex, even if it does taste like warm water that has had a weasel dipped in it. Anyway, the point is that you're not well-adjusted at all. You're a complete mess. Go to the self-help section of your local bookstore immediately and buy lots of books, or just send away for some. I'd lend you my block of wood but I really need it right now. Or maybe I just need a haircut. John Lennon is a senior English major from Phillipsburg, New Jersey. Stepping On The Big Man's Toes appears alternate Mondays.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.