Hackney Should Kiss My Butt

Well f--- you. For the $20,000 I give Penn every year I can lock my bike wherever I want. The little blue man should stand there and hold it for me while I go to class. For twenty grand I should be able to lock my bike to Sheldon Hackney if he'll stand still long enough. We aren't getting a $20,000 education at Penn. We get about $4,000 worth. The difference should be made up by hiring a domestic servant to follow each student around and take care of petty errands. We should have valet parking on the Walk. For this kind of money, my TA should blow my nose when I sneeze in class. And there should be a risk management specialist waiting in the bathroom to wipe my butt. For this kind of money, no one should tell me not to eat in class. They say we pay over $200 for each lecture we attend. It's about time we started getting the kind of service we're paying for. I could fly to Chicago for that kind of money. The least Penn could do would be to have sky bunnies in tight skirts walking down the aisle with a choice of beverages and bags of nuts. For 20 grand, the University should get the hell out of my social life. RA's should not be running around the Quad, busting people for havin' a beer. There should be no such thing as a keg ban. At Northwestern and Stanford the administration pays for kegs at dorm parties. Penn would rather have us get shot on the way to Murph's. We should be able to chug kegs on College Green. We should be able to do tequila shots in Furness. And the administration should support our fun. When I've had one too many, the president should take a piss for me, the provost should puke if I'm feeling sick, and the bursar should bring me a breath mint. Penn should stop wasting our tuition money on useless projects. Our money shouldn't have bought a hotel on campus. If I wanted to learn about hotels, I would have gone to Cornell. We sure as hell shouldn't have had to pay for the Shops at Penn. They raise our tuition every year to buy hotels and shopping malls. The way I figure it, I gave the trustees money to pay for my education and they went and spent it on a shopping mall. Maybe they should offer me a coupon: Get a free frozen yogurt and pair of Benetton underpants with every three credits. Penn bought the building that Smoke's is in. Why don't they turn the bar into the new student center and let everyone in for free. Or they can include the cover charge in the Dining Service meal plan. University City Nautilus is in the same building. I think my college advisor should go there every day and do the Stairmaster for me. I paid for that too. Message for Professors: You work for the students. We paid for your cheap suits, your pocket protectors, your wine and tobacco habits, your kid's shrink, your subscription to Playboy, your wife's bra and the stuff you use every night to cure your jock itch. You are in no position to tell us what to do. You get paid to stand in your assigned room three days a week and profess. If I'm sitting there listening, fine. But if I have somewhere better to be, it's none of your business. You aren't paying us to sit there. We're paying you to talk. Furthermore, stop keeping us after class and stop adding extra recitations or study sessions. If you can't teach all of your material in the allotted time, revise your lesson plans. I have a life outside of class and I'm not going to wait around for you to get your act together. I pay Penn to teach me. I'm buying an education. But what I get here in four years sure as hell isn't worth $80,000. If I am only going to get a thirteenth-place education, my tuition money should at least be returned to me in a meaningful way. We should have decent gyms. We shouldn't have to pay extra for Nautilus machines. We should be allowed to run our own social lives with out interference from the administration. And we shouldn't be subsidizing the Hilton on the Schuylkill. Andy Sernovitz is a senior Marketing and Political Science major from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mall Rats With Big Hair appears alternate Wednesdays.

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