Column: Voting: A Popular Pacifier

It is time to focus our attention on those qualities we most admire in our elected officials. Who has the nicest smile? Who has the best family? Who is most educated? But above all, who is telling the truth? This year, there is only one real choice when it is time to go to the polls to vote. His name is Don T. Bother, and his credentials are incredible. He speaks to the heart of our country, our ethics and our priorities. Don T.'s teeth are brilliantly white. I mean, really white. Can you imagine an elected official with bad teeth? What kind of person would allow his teeth to go bad? He has a gorgeous family; all of them are well under control, I might add. His wife knows how to act as a wife should act. His children know how to act as children should act. If a man cannot be the leader in his own home, what kind of political leader would he be? Don T. speaks eloquently. Do you want an official representing you who stammers and stutters or fidgets and sways? Of course not. Don T. knows what to say at the right time, how to say it, and above all, how to never take a stand on an issue that will lose votes, support or friends. He also knows how to play golf, tennis and polo. This is important. What does it say if a man does not know how to play golf? Where has he been keeping himself? With whom has he been associating? These are valid questions to ask to get to the real character of a candidate. Don T. has been in the military, of course. An officer, a gentleman and a hero, wrapped in one neat package. He's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, all-American moral guy. There are no skeletons in his closet. He is college educated, but by all means, in a practical way. What good would a theoretical leader be? We need officials who can act, not think. Therefore, as far as education, Don T. knew when to say "when." You can't say he was one of those professional students, you know, always studying, always expanding, always going to school. And even when he was in school, Don T. didn't let himself get caught in a rut. He sure knew how to party. There is also that distinct flavor of a puritan background, you know, in all the right ways. Good blood, so to speak. Yet, he has that effervescent quality for understanding multiculturalism. He gives to charity, is kind-hearted, donates blood regularly and helps send low-income kids to camp each summer. Without a doubt, he is anti-communist. Don T. will tell you that straight. Democracy is his motto, and he hopes to spread the good news throughout the world. Salvation of the world is possible. Never fear. Some people might try to persuade you to look at problems that need to be solved when you vote -- not the man. People who tell you to concentrate on problems are confused about the purpose of voting. What are problems needing solutions when our real values embrace such fundamental qualities as personal features of leadership found in a candidate's character? A man's ablity to lead is shaped by his character. White teeth say a great deal about the man. It is an indication of how he will care for his duties. If a man cannot brush regularly and floss without fail, all the days of his life, what else will he neglect? If a man is single or divorced, what does that tell us? Loud and clear, it says, "Something must be wrong with him." And minorities of any kind bring with them a measure of risk, so take extra care when a candidate falls within minority status. Why take the chance? An atheist, therefore, is out of the question. Never, never, never, vote for anyone who admits to being an atheist. No telling what would happen. It is best to stick with those qualities we know and trust so well. Protestants are probably best. It is safe. Maybe Catholics or Jews, but that's it. The more orthodox, the better. Don't fall for all that issue stuff. If you pick the man right, the issues will take care of themselves. If a man has been taught the important values, he will not depart from them. Therefore, the quest should be to find a virtuous man. Therein will lie honesty, integrity and compassion for American values. First things first. We all know what really counts. Polish the man. That is a fulltime job. There is no time or energy left for issues. There is only one real choice when it comes time to vote today. Don T. Bother. Sheila Witherington is a first-year graduate student at the Annenberg School for Communication.

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