Column: 'Roger, Dick. We'll Bust Them'

You could be the Commander-in-Chief of the BuzzKill Patrol. I figure a bust around here sounds something like this over the radio: LCB Guy: This is Number One Dickhead. We've got a report of unauthorized fun in West Philly. Rowdy Ivy League kids evaded our patrols and found beer. DISPATCHER: Roger, Dick. Bust 'em. They might annoy the local criminal population. Can't have smart kids wasting cheap beer that God meant for idiot civil servants like us. Over and out. · These are people with their heads so far up their butts they need to fart to see what's going on. They actually had the balls to bust Smoke's. Why not put Santa on SlimFast? What else could Smoke's do to prevent rebel undergrads from trying to drink? Perhaps they should have required an "OVER 21" tattoo on their customers' foreheads? We'd all look like married Indian women. Or maybe they're supposed to cut you open like a tree to see how many rings you've grown. Maybe the LCB should register all Pennsylvanians at birth and give each one a beer 21 years later -- sort of like the Baskin & Robins free birthday cone. The LCB says they want to stop drunk driving. Why are they shutting down all the bars near campus? So we'll have to drive to Center City or Villanova to drink instead? It's like sending your daughter to a Catholic girls' school to keep her from getting laid. Luckily, there are other alternatives to underage drinking. Saladalley and TCBY will still be the best places to meet sorority girls. Guys can entertain themselves by growing more sideburns. We need more sideburns. If we still want to get drunk and look like fools, we can just as easily stay sober and look like fools by writing whiny letters to the DP. We could all join the Philomathean Society. There's nothing I like to do more than sit around with ugly pseudointellectuals and read poetry writen by slow-thinking English majors who want to be full of angst. (The only real angst at Penn goes like this: "But, like, I don't have anything to wear to SAE, Suz. All the brothers have already seen my best underpants!") Of course, there is always sex to keep us busy. And if you've never been laid, the PiKA Tabernacle Choir would be glad to sing to you about it. The nice thing about schtupping is that you always have the necessary equipment with you. No cover, no minimum and no messy styrofoam package to pollute the environment. But watch out. If the LCB finds that we're getting our rocks off on campus, they may change the rules. You'll have to be 21 to use your penis. Smoke's is the only place you can still go around here for a real party. Beer, conversation and people trying to get each other naked, upstairs. Beer, funky-butt tunes and people trying to get each other naked, downstairs. "That's the way (uh huh uh huh) I like it." If we shut down Smoke's, the alternatives are really horrifying. We'll all be trying to get it on at WaWa or in a rooftop lounge. A real party will be three foreign students watching Debbie Does DESCI in a Hill House lounge. I can't wait until Spring Fling. They'll be carding at the Quad gate. You'll have to sign an affidavit attesting to the fact that you're 21, always use a condom and never really liked beer anyway. Keeping booze away from students is supposed to be in our own best interest. Big Brother is keeping us safe. Personally, I feel safer drinking underage in a campus bar than wandering around this neighborhood. While the LCB is busy yanking our collective dingus at Smoke's, students are getting mugged and raped around the corner. What an efficient use of law-enforcement personnel. The LCB will definitely change our partying habits. Everyone is just going to smoke a lot more dope. (Ever notice how many incense dealers there are on 40th Street?) When you're less likely to get busted planting a pot farm on College Green than having a beer at Murph's, dope is the obvious intoxicant of choice. In fact, the LCB has made LSD easier to get than Rolling Rock. If you are going to smoke marijuana, don't forget the Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking the cheeb may complicate pregnancy and make you eat a whole lot more than you thought was humanly possible. These assholes even busted Allegro's. What the hell? Like that fine cafeteria is the source of problem drinking on campus? When was the last time you got hosed at Allegro's and went on an uncontrolled rampage of hazardous driving, date rape and cow tipping? Rowdier things go on next door. If the LCB had any sense, they would have shut down AEPi instead. As I see it, there is only one solution. When the city defaults on its $90 zillion loan from the University, the state should step in and give us control of the LCB in return. We can get a UA committee to run it. That'll keep them from accomplishing anything. Andrew Sernovitz is a senior Political Science and Marketing major from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mall Rats With Big Hair appears alternate Wednesdays.

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