The Bestial Fables

A second person told me about a college student who opened his window to freshen his stuffy, third-story dorm room. The window was uncooperative and slid closed under its own weight. Looking around his room for something to wedge under it, he spotted his bowling ball. I bet you can guess the rest. Yes, the ball slipped out of the window and cracked some unsuspecting dupe square in the frontal lobe sending a viscous, glossy liquid (similar to the compound in a Cocker Spaniel's eyes) all over the freshly groomed lawn. The quintessential tale of morbidity seems to be revived every year around prom time. I believe it to be the invention of a disturbed parent. It seems a waxen teen wanted to properly tan herself for the senior prom. Well, the darn tanning salon would only allow her a maximum 30-minute session. She outsmarted them, she did! She made appointments with four different tanning salons. When she returned home she fell ill. The doctor said the over-exposure had cooked her ovaries. Where do these stories come from? Are they true? When I ask these scandalmongers to substantiate their claims I get, "Well ah, it happened to my brother-in-law's aunt's paperboy's Scout leader." Oh, then it must be true. But, even if they are true, it certainly makes a sinister statement about our society if a person as detached from the victim as myself, can listen to the tale, as the narrator smiles with glee. Our entertainment is riddled with calamity. The best news I heard last week is that Freddy's Dead and that this is his Final Nightmare. How many sequels has it been? Could stories like these be fabricated out of our own deranged appetites for gore? Is it psychological? Why do so many of us stretch to see roadkill? Or could these stories be a reaction to the strange, criminal events of the United States? Indeed, there were 23,438 non-negligent, willful murders in 1990. Ya' think we'll top it in 1991? As everyone knows, Philadelphia is going strong this year in the race for the Crime Pennant. David Lynch once said, "Welcome to the most corrupt, fear-ridden city in America. Welcome to Philadelphia." Isn't this brutally accurate when people are gunned down for paltry sums of money, when cars are driven wildly into convenience stores filled with customers? I'm not trying to be funny. Does anyone know where I can pick up a suit of armor? I have a night class. A year ago I heard a story of human oddity. It was a tale involving a hapless skydiver. Yes, his chute didn't open. As bored as I was I continued to listen, but then the talebearer tried to contend that the skydiver was unharmed. He said, "The guy dropped 3000 feet and landed on his face at 80 miles an hour . . . and he walked away!" I said, "Oh right, and then he had lunch with Wily Coyote, Super Genius." This angered my acquaintance, so the next day he showed me the book where he had read it. It was entitled 2201 Fascinating Facts. His account was in that book in black and white. I apologized to him to keep peace, but I was still skeptical. A week later, plastered on the front of The Daily News was the twisted picture of a man whose parachute failed after he leaped illegally from the Liberty II building. He didn't make it. Gregg Ventello is a masters student studying for a degree in Liberal Arts from Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Odi Et Amo appears alternate Mondays.

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