The Aliens Are Among Us

No, no, this isn't an ultraconservative tirade against immigration; I'm talking about the green kind of aliens, the kind with antennae, the kind who are superintelligent and carry ray guns, the kind who are generally indifferent to the insignificant doings of the human race, but are evidently bored lately, because, as I said, they're taking over. My suspicion began in mid-August, when I moved into my new apartment. I hadn't given my new phone number to anyone, not even my parents, yet the day after my move-in I received the following phone call: ME: Hello? ANNOYING GUY: Hello, I'm looking for John Lennon. ME: This is John. AG: Mr. Lennon, I'm calling to offer you the opportunity to develop your own automatic line of credit through the CitiCorpChemiGlomoBankAmerica Visa Card, which I've been authorized to offer you at-- ME: Sorry. I already have a Visa card. AG: But with CitiCorpChemiGlomoBankAmerica, you get a 17.5 percent interest rate with a 9.33 percent annual gratuity compound of anti-gravity, a 2.398 percent daily increase of oedipal ambience, 34 MPG highway, 31 city-- ME: Sorry. I already have a Visa card. AG: But if you act now, you'll receive the "Captain Kirk" figure as part of your free Star Trek Chess Set, valued at over-- (Click) This seemed odd. Even the phone company didn't know my number; it was in my roommate's name. A few minutes of brainstorming, however, revealed that I had given my number to someone -- namely, the student directory. So I called up Penn Student Agencies and asked if they had given my phone number to a credit card company. ME: . . . So anyway, I was wondering if you've been giving my number to credit card companies. PSA PERSON: Actually, Mr. Lennon, we . . . (guttural sounds, noise of a ray gun safety release in the background) . . . uh, I don't know what you're talking about (Click). Soon I noticed other strange things happening. Take, for instance, the Pepsi Summer Chill-Out hand gesture. What the hell was this thing? Summer's over, and still they haven't told us. I figure, in light of the other evidence, that it was some sort of alien language, maybe something that means, "please come and attack our planet, really, it's no problem with us" in alien, that Pepsi was forced, at ray gun-point, to put on the air. Another example: I was watching cartoons after class the other day when I saw a rather bizarre television commercial for McDonald's. The ad was enticing small children to come to their local McDonald's and purchase -- get this -- a Rain Forest Happy Meal. The box was festooned with little environmental cartoons (Ronald planting a tree, the Hamburglar chatting with indigenous wildlife, the Fry Guys writing angry letters to their congressman, stuff like that) and rain forest facts. Naturally, I called our local McDonald's at 40th and Walnut for a reaction. ME: Hi. I was wondering if your restaurant sees the irony in marketing a Rain Forest Happy Meal while plowing under thousands of acres of the forest each year to raise cattle which you butcher for fatty, unhealthy hamburger meat? MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE: What? So, it seems pretty clear to me that the aliens have brainwashed everyone in the McDonald's organization to such a degree that workers on the local level are oblivious to the grave hypocrisy of the company's advertising techniques. Discouraging indeed. The revolution has begun here on campus as well. For instance, the MAC Machines at 40th and Locust have been moved from the small room they once occupied to a wall facing the street. According to Campus Police, quoted right here in this paper, the action was taken to improve safety by making the user's surroundings more visible. Ha! Obviously a story as phony as a Rolex purchased on the sidewalk in front of Marty's -- the real reason for the change is TO ENABLE THE ALIENS TO SEE OUR PIN NUMBERS FROM THEIR SHIPS! And now that I think about it, weird things have been happening in my apartment, such as one of our cats, Una, eating the same plant every couple days, then throwing it up on my rug. I used to think this was just because she has the IQ of an umbrella stand, but now I'm not so sure . . . . . . And maybe that wasn't Elvis I saw at Pathmark . . . . . . And I never noticed my history prof's facial tick before . . . . . . And president Hackney did seem a little skittish when I saw him jogging last week . . . But perhaps I'm just being paranoid. After all, if the aliens were as smart as I give them credit for, they'd probably just waltz right into the DP offices and disconnect the terminal I'm using right n John Lennon was a senior English major from Phillipsburg, New Jersey. His body has been snatched. A Beta-class male droid has taken his place. He is believed to be armed and dangerous. If you happen to encounter him on campus, do not act alarmed. Go to the nearest blue phone and contact University Police immediately.

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