Stuff That Mattress

He had been waiting all summer to drop it in, but since the the credit union was only open for twenty minutes a week during the summer he never had the chance. The line stretched all the way around the corner, down the back stairs, out the side door, around College Hall and ended right in front of the Button. As Vic walked past the teller windows he noticed that only one teller was working. He put his head to the glass and saw fifteen people running around the back looking very busy. One saw him and approached the window, "Can I help you?" Vic asked timidly, "Is there really only one teller on now even though there is a line?" The guy answered, "Well, we really have a lot of important work going on back here. For instance see that girl, she's designing the new logo for the Penn Visa card. All of our tellers have important homework assignments due this week, so we could only find one teller who could work these hours. But don't despair another teller will be in at three. Besides bank lines are a great way to meet your fellow students!" Vic was relieved to find that someone had answered his questions quickly and accurately. Happy for the chance to meet new people, he walked to the end of the line and sat on the Button. He was lucky to have a copy of The New York Times with him. He breezed through the front page, the sports, the business, the arts and Home sections. Then he filled in every space in the crossword puzzle -- in ink. Then he memorized the entire classified section. Since he still had more time, he decided to get some of that reading for his CompLit class done. Just as he finished the last of the complete and unabridged versions of all of Doystoyevsky's works, he was in front of the window. "Hi, may I help you?" "Sure, I just want to deposit this check from my grandmother into my account." "Just give me your account number, sir." He did and she brought it up on the screen. "I'm sorry sir, it seems that your account is overdrawn by $20,000. You have to see Member Services right away." "But how can it be overdrawn $20,000? It must be a mistake." "Member Services will be able to find it for you right away. Next please." As Vic walked to the Member Services door, he was a bit bewildered, but confident that everything would be okay because, like its motto said, the credit union was "by the students, for the students." Sam Aritan brought up his account record on the screen. He saw right away a bank charge for $20,000. "Ah, the mistake is right here. You see we obviously made a mistake and hit in two extra zeros when we were going over your account. Let me get my boss, he is the only one authorized to make the change. Sorry about that." Vic was pleased at how easily everything was working out, and was happy not only to be a customer, but also a member of such an efficient organization. "Hi, I'm Rob Ublind, vice president of the credit union." Vic recognized him as the friendly face who told him about the problem of finding reliable tellers. "Let's see, $20,000. Oh yes, now I know what it is. You see in our accounting last month we wound up 40,000 short. So according to our by-laws we randomly select two members whose accounts have never caused a problem in the past and then we split the amount that we are under between them. Sorry, but if you had just read the contract you signed, you would have known that this was possible." Vic felt dumb at not having had his father's lawyer read over the contract last year when he was at CUPID opening up his new account. "But isn't there anything I can do? It seems like that should be against the law. Even Sam said that it wasn't correct." Rob replied, "Look, I was an intern at the Bank of Commerce and Credit International this summer. I learned everything there is to know about loopholes in banking laws. Are you going to tell me about banking laws!?!" "Well that just seems a little bit illogical and unfair." "Hey, I'm a Wharton Finance major with a 3.8. I know illogical and unfair better than anyone on campus." Vic, a lowly political science major in the College, could not argue with this logic. "What do I do then?" "Well, you have to get this paid off as soon as possible. You might consider getting one of our new Visa cards, with an interest rate of only 50 percent per year and a $50 annual fee, and using your entire credit limit to start paying back the fee. Since the interest and fee go to the credit union, and since you are a member, it's just like paying money to yourself. But since it's only a $2000 limit, you still owe us $18,000. Give me that check your grandmother sent. You'd probably just spend it on beer anyway. Now you are down to $17,950." "What should I do now, Rob?" "I'd suggest that you go talk to Mike Monk from Penn News. He's good at this sort of thing. We in Wharton like to call it "negative financing." Vic thanked them all for their help. As he walked out past the line he looked up and saw the great shield. It comforted him to know that the credit union was "By the Students, For the Students." Brian Kennedy is a sophomore English major from Newark, New Jersey. Never Mind The Bollocks appears alternate Thursdays.

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