The Daily Pennsylvanian :: Ernest Owens

Ernest Owens
The Ernest Opinion

When you think about the typical Friday night college scene, two types of people stand out: the enthusiastic partygoers and the studious all-nighters. We usually stereotype the partygoers as wild, drunk and typically horny, while the group who lounges all night in Van Pelt as nerdy, awkward and sexually inexperienced.

But I am convinced that all of this is just an illusion. According to 34th Street Magazine’s sex survey released last fall, 42.4 percent of non-Greek-affiliated students are virgins. Yet the way sex on our campus is talked about and portrayed, you would think that everybody is doing it.

Although I do not ever intend to be the national spokesperson for Abstinence America, I do not see anything wrong with the campus promoting this ideal as much as they do contraceptives at the Penn Women’s Center or the LGBT Center.

For one, we must end the ignorance behind why people in college are still virgins. Those who choose abstinence are not just religious followers who are preventing themselves from having sex in the name of worship. Only 12.5 percent of Jewish virgins and 51.9 percent of Christian virgins on campus are waiting to have sex until marriage, according to the survey. Many individuals are simply just not ready.

“Sex is not as big of a part of my life as much as people want to believe,” says College sophomore Gwen, who prides on being “a virgin with strong resolve.” A highly social person who works part-time as a commercial model, she admits to being “tempted often” but states that “being in a religion can’t stop you from losing your virginity … it takes self-determination.”

Furthermore, as students, we must reevaluate our notions of who on campus is having sex and who is not. It is not much of a surprise, but there are fewer male virgins at Penn than female ones, with 26.3 percent compared to 46.9 percent.

As for male athletes, the presumption that they are engaging in sexual activity is almost a given. This can be belittling for those who choose not to engage in sex.

“No one would believe I was a virgin, even if I told them,” said a popular varsity basketball player. He chose to remain anonymous due to “the embarrassment and humiliation” he might receive from other members on the team if they found out.

“To be a dude on campus and tell the rest of the world that you are a 20-year-old virgin is just asking for it,” he explained.

It is a shame that even as young adults, we have not gotten to a mature point in our lives where we can accept the sexual decisions of others. I am also guilty for assuming that people only abstain from sex for religious reasons or because they are prudes.

But now, it has become clear to me that our campus does not foster an environment where abstinence can be taken seriously. Last fall, I attended the well-received “Sex Camp” that was sponsored by Student Health Services and the Undergraduate Assembly.

As sex toys and orgasm contests filled this festive event at Houston Hall, there stood an isolated, bland-looking booth where the University Chaplain Chaz Howard stood discussing abstinence. As much as Rev. Howard spoke eloquently on the subject, there was not much that could keep students’ eyes away from all the dildos, vibrators and whips that seduced the room. It felt as if a mockery was being made by our beloved administrator.

Yes, students have sex. Yes, for many, their first time will be at Penn. But let us not forget the decent percentage who will not as well. Our campus should recognize and respect that.

It would not be asking much for Penn to increase its marketing efforts for abstinence alongside the condoms and lubricant offered at buildings around campus. There have been many attempts to foster bipartisanship, multiculturalism and interfaith understanding on this campus, why not expand this effort to accommodate different views of the bedroom?

It is not fair to the non-Greek Quaker who has to feel prudish and awkward just because he or she are not doing what only a little over half of campus is. People should have the right to stand up for what they believe in — and not only for a few minutes of pleasure.

Comments (56)

Ernest, your pieces are controversial at times, but they never fail to be well-written and thoughtful. Calling attention to the subject of abstinence and sex education (of all types), you’ve definitely turned me into a fan with this one!

this article isn’t about ppl who have a “pathetic failure to obtain something they secretly desperately desire.” I’m sure a popular male bball player would have NO problem obtaining sex, but if he were to reveal himself, he’d still be mocked. in that case, the nature of the mocking would be someone’s “conscious choice” and that’s immature.

it’s also sad that in society, pretty girls are admired for maintaining their virginity, but good-looking boys are mocked for it.

I usually skip over the Ernest Opinion, but this one I just had to read. I agree completely with “oh hey chris” because I’m sure the basketball player could be with a girl, because girls throw themselves over athletes all the time. His choice to abstain could be for any reason in the world and it’s unfair for people to assume it’s because of a defective flaw he possesses. I think Chris missed the entire point of this article which is: why is it wrong to be a virgin? The concept is greatly stigmatized for no apparent reason at all. Even if there are “shy sexless porn-surfing virgins” those people are obviously not ready to be having sex, and shouldn’t feel ashamed or pressured by society to start having it.

Also, the basketball player could be with a girl OR a boy, and waiting to engage in sexual activity with either sex is not wrong.

P.S as a girl, I find it extremely attractive to know that a guy has not been with other women.

1) Why is Penn sponsoring a “Sex Camp”??? Seriously? There is no better use for our tuition money and Penn’s resources?

2) I think this article is complemented well by this article and the comments that follow:
http://thedp.com/index.php/article/2012/01/hayley_brooks_amp_ali_kokot_get_low_hell_no./?message=Comment+added&type=notice#comment53793

Maybe, just maybe, some of us are still virgins because we don’t lose it to the first person available. Whatever the reason someone may have for abstaining, the whole prude/chump/freak label has gotten old, and I’m glad that this basketball player was willing to show that it’s inaccurate.

I usually hate Ernest’s narcissistic articles but this one really hits the heart. I’m a 20 year old virgin who is neither shy nor some sort of porn surfing freak as Chris described. I want it to happen but at this point I know I never learned the skills necessary to attract a girl, much less have sex with her. Penn is a bubble so once you become the friend zone guy, or the weirdo, or the Beta bro or whatever the label sticks despite who you actually are. I have lied before about not being a virgin. Hopefully things will change but for now I’ll just keep denying it.

@Waffles for Breakfast, I completely agree with you. I can think of at least ten better ways Penn could have spent whatever money went towards funding this “Sex Camp”. I can’t figure out if this school a)thinks that we are too stupid to figure out how to give and receive sexual pleasure on our own or with the help of other resources, such as doctors, books, or the internet or b)desperately wants to prove how “open minded” and “non-judgmental” we are. Either way, I think it’s pretty embarrassing. This is an Ivy League institution of learning, not the Red Light District or the West Village in NYC. I feel like Ben Franklin is rolling over in his grave.

But to get back to the point of the article, virgins: more power to you for resisting the enormous pressure at this school to hook up with everyone and anyone who you find remotely attractive. That is definitely not an easy thing to do.

Also, @for the first time, obviously I don’t really know anything about you, but you sound sweet. Believe it or not, there are plenty of girls, virgins and non-virgins alike, who would totally dig your virgin status. It’s way better than being a creep who’s slept with a million girls. You should not be ashamed of who you are!

thumbs up to you Chris, i totally agree with you.

Sex is the best thing ever, wish i had known much earlier, y’all guys tryna comfort yourself but y’all know what the truth is, your sexless lives are pathetic, go get some fun for christ’s sake. lmao, the world ends this year, so i dont know, if i were y’all i’ll do something about it.Ernest is definitely getting some i am assuming since he never mentioned about his virginity. anyways 2 words , DO YOU

PS :@Chris who is Robert Hsu??

I’m glad we’re talking about this, finally. There are plenty of reasons people decide to wait to have sex, and a lot of those reasons have nothing to do with religion (mine certainly don’t).

Chris, what is your problem? If a guy decides not to have sex there is nothing wrong with that! Why is it so hard to believe that some people CHOOSE to wait to have sex? Personally, I find guys that are waiting to have sex really appealing. Certainly more than guys that are just trying to bone everything.

In the past, societal rules about sexuality were really strict and people who broken them were shunned. Now it’s almost like it’s the opposite, with people judging and making fun of virgins as if they’re doing something wrong by waiting. That’s insane! Just because it’s accepted for people our age to be having sex doesn’t mean it should be expected. Pressuring and/or ridiculing virgins for their decision to wait is just as wrong as slut-shaming.

@Waffles for Breakfast — If you want to address a more valuable cause then why don’t you get up, become an associate member, and DO SOMETHING. Sex education is important, and whether you believe in abstinence or not, Penn students should be well informed about the decisions they make.

@Chris — How many men do you want your future wife to have slept with? How many guys would you want your daughter to sleep with? Even if you don’t support abstinence, have a little respect for people.

I like the article, but I think it’s important to note the pernicious influence of religion as well. Religion creates a lot of pressure on young people to be abstinent, which is something that needs to be noted and criticized. The idea of a religious need for abstinence is harmful – it encourages people to repress their natural, human impulses in favor of a need to tailor oneself to the delusion of an imaginary God.

@ Respect others!: It never really occurred to me that a) Penn would be offering any kind of sex ed beyond the ubiquitous posters in dorms, or b) that this really qualified as sex ed. I tend to think of sex ed as how not to get pregnant/get STDs. Had I become aware of such allocations of resources earlier in my college career (was this the first year with such an offering?), maybe I would have done something, as you suggested. Truth be told, I can’t remember any year before this (I’m a senior) where sex was such a constant theme in the DP, which is where I get most of my info about goings on.

In any case, my objection is nothing to do with the abstinence/not debate, but more with the fact that by the description in the article, it seems the fair/camp ended up with a heavy emphasis on pleasuring oneself. I do not believe any institution of higher education needs to involve itself in that particular aspect of students’ sex lives.

While it’s true that religion is a major influence for some people, it’s also true that believing in a religion and what a religion teaches is also a choice. Don’t like it, then don’t believe. You can criticize as much as you want, but religion doesn’t typically bow to the will of the people. Although I suppose you could argue that that’s how different sects of Christianity, levels of Judaism (I don’t know proper term—reform, orthodox, etc.) developed.

@for the first time:

“I’m a 20 year old virgin who is neither shy nor some sort of porn surfing freak as Chris described. I want it to happen but at this point I know I never learned the skills necessary to attract a girl, much less have sex with her. “

That’s exactly what i’m saying. You’re mocked because you desperately want it to happen and have failed to do so. Why is it so hard to understand? People like winners and in this department you’re a loser in such a dramatic desperate way that it’s funny.

@impressed:

“I think Chris missed the entire point of this article which is: why is it wrong to be a virgin? The concept is greatly stigmatized for no apparent reason at all.”

In that case you missed the entire point of my first post. It’s stigmatized because despite this one bb-ball player, 99% are of male virgins at Penn are desperate for it and failed to get it. The REASON is quite apparent, whether or not you think I’m being “mean.”

@21yo Virgin

“Chris, what is your problem? If a guy decides not to have sex there is nothing wrong with that! Why is it so hard to believe that some people CHOOSE to wait to have sex?”

Are you people dense that you can’t comprehend my simple point. They’re NOT choosing. Congrats to the author in finding such a perfect example (bb-ball player) to support his argument, but thumbs down to any attempt to apply it to 99% of male virgins at Penn.

@penngirl

“virgins: more power to you for resisting the enormous pressure at this school to hook up with everyone and anyone who you find remotely attractive. That is definitely not an easy thing to do.”

Actually, that’s an extremely easy thing to do. As a guy, the hard thing is TO successfully hook up with attractive girls. Someone please explain to me why most of the responders to this article have such a warped sanitized virgin-apologetic view of reality. You called that “21 yo virgin” sweet- do you honestly think he wouldn’t jump at the chance (he pretty much aluded to wanting it badly) to do the nasty to a group of co-eds if the opportunity was presented to him on a silver platter with absolutely no risk of rejection or embarassment? Boys like him are sexless partly because they are stodgy, proper, shy and boring. Are these the qualities why are commending here???? Or should we be helping him change?

@Respect Others

“Chris — How many men do you want your future wife to have slept with? How many guys would you want your daughter to sleep with? Even if you don’t support abstinence, have a little respect for people.”

Obviously as few as possible, but that’s not my point. I’m trying to support the emotional health of my fellow Penn guy. Becuase I’VE BEEN in these virgin’s shoes at Penn- walking down locust walk, enviously eyeing that hot girl holding hands with some other guy, going back to the dorm after class to jerk off to strange porn, going to the frat party in the hopes of going home with a warm body but instead striking out becaus I didn’t even have the courage to say hi. These are the experiences of many, many, Penn guys. They have a disproportionate amount of depression problems and an overall lower college life experience.

We shouldn’t just tell them “hey you’re OK” and “you’re just sweeter and nicer than other guys”. That’ll just turn them into bitter sexless mysoginists repeating the cliched phrase “women don’t like nice guys like ME- they want Chris!”

oh and btw, in case you idiots haven’t figured it out- This popular anonymous bball player may be a figment of Ernest’s imagination. Stereotypes are usually valid by defintion.

Second, most of the commentators on my opinions on male virginity have been female. Note that female and male virginity have completely difference sources and dynamics. For a female to comment on the latter is like a pig explaining why a lame fox won’t hunt.

I love how the article refers to the sexual prudence of “non-Greek” Quakers. Because clearly Greek is synonymous with promiscuous.

That aside, I appreciate the vindication of virgins and sexual choice on campus, but it doesn’t address the underlying stigmas and contradictions of college sex culture. If a guy doesn’t have sex, he’s ridiculed. If he does, he’s praised. If a girl doesn’t have sex, she’s either ridiculed or venerated. If she does, she’s shamed. (Heterosexual) sex is still seen as a matter of conquest, with men as the victors and women as the vanquished. It’s not about disrespecting virgins; it’s that for some reason, sexuality continues to determine a person’s social standing far outside the bedroom. Maybe if people let go of their social hangups, pedestals, hypocrisy, and purity/promiscuity obsessions, college would be a safer environment for both men and women, and the sexual choices that they make.

Well, Chris, I am a guy (though I’m sure that will be met with skepticism). I am a proud virgin, one who does NOT desperately want to have sex as soon as I get the opportunity. And my reasons are numerous, with many being religious, but others just being secular. I agree that I don’t want my future wife to have slept with other guys, I don’t want STDs, and I think sex is a beautiful thing that ought to just be shared with that one special person. No one’s saying that sex isn’t awesome (well, I’m assuming it’s great, having never myself experienced it), just that they don’t want it until later.

For example, everyone wants to make a living. So why are you wasting your time here at Penn? All guys secretly deep down just want money, right? So go off and get a job now! But really we’re just waiting and preparing so that when the time comes we can get a more fulfilling and/or better-paying job.

Also, there’s nothing wrong with religious reasons for practicing abstinence. Religion is a beautiful thing that gives meaning to the lives of its followers through the relationship humans have with God. Why shouldn’t we obey his commands?

Ernest, I don’t always agree with what you write, but thank you for this column. Thank you for having the courage to say this! I would gladly join you if only I had a way of more publicly voicing opinions.

Also, to all the ladies who say they find virgin males more attractive: the feeling is reciprocated. Not all men are the pigs Chris would have you think.

The comment “Chris” made on this conversation was deleted as it contained a personal attack on someone which is against our commenting policies.

The problem is that people care about sex too much, whether they have it or not have it. Plenty of people have never played Skyrim, but nobody is “frustrated” or “proud” of being a Skyrim virgin. Get over it.

@Paul

If you’re such a proud male virgin, why don’t you give us your last name?

“I agree that I don’t want my future wife to have slept with other guys”

Then I hope you’re studying time travel physics or Arabic. Girls: these are the types of guys you should really look out for, not me.

“For example, everyone wants to make a living. So why are you wasting your time here at Penn? All guys secretly deep down just want money, right? So go off and get a job now!”

Well Paul that’s a really weak metaphor. First- the avg. quality of girls at Penn are both hotter and smarter than the avg. outside Penn. Second, having physical intimacy costs little to nothing both monetarily (present cost and future potential) and time spent away from academics (and for virgins such as yourself the time required could literally be just seconds.)

“Also, there’s nothing wrong with religious reasons for practicing abstinence.”

I agree, but that’s rare on an elite liberal campus. If you bothered to read carefully- I’ve been saying that the vast majority of male virgins at Penn are inadvertent failures rather than conscientious objectors- again, like I said, they may falsely hide behind “religion” or “study commitments” or whatever else. I don’t believe it.

“Also, to all the ladies who say they find virgin males more attractive: the feeling is reciprocated. Not all men are the pigs Chris would have you think.”

Sorry Paul. You and I both know you aren’t a conscientious objector. But this isn’t the place to pick up Penn girls by contrasting yourself with me.

Chris: What about female virgins? Why do they hide behind the pretense of “religion” and “study commitments”?

@Martialis

Like I’ve already said twice- female virginity is a completely different phenomenon. Nothing that I said applies to female virgins. They are much much much more likely to be the conscientous objectors than the desperate failures (save for a very select few fatties).

Also, don’t know what skyrim is. Does male participation in skyrim in college have barriers to entry such as basic social eptitude, courage, personality, humor, basic standards of physical appearence? No? So what’s your point? Nobody cares about who has had the $2.99 Lance brand cream cheese crackers ~~yet they do care about who has the admissions letter to Penn~~ ask yourself why. Then ask yourself why you write metaphors that have no weight.

10 bucks Ernest is paying Chris to create controversy in the comments section.

@James

No. But I can tell you for an absolute FACT, That the first comment (signed “Thoughtfully Yours”) is written by Ernest himself. It’s hilarious. Typical Ernest. If you don’t think this guy is capable of making up a fictional virgin b-ball player, then think again.