Ivy Football Roundup: FAQs for the frosh

Frequently asked questions for freshmen attending their first Penn football game this Saturday:

Question: How’s Penn football looking this season?
Answer: If they can play as well as they groom their facial hair, we’re in for a historic season.

Question: When was the last time Penn lost an Ivy League game?
Answer: Nov. 15, 2008. I could compare it to the fact that Barack Obama had not yet taken office as president, that our country’s economic woes hadn’t begun, that Tiger still had a wife (and a golf game), that MJ was still alive. But those are all inconsequential compared to an Ivy League football winning streak.

Question: What are Princeton’s chances of beating Penn this year at homecoming?
Answer: Princeton on the road is like the time my roommate and I took a trip to Atlantic City. They’re going to lose, it’s just a question of how much. If the Tigers are smart, they’ll stay away from the roulette. And the slots. And black jack. And the Nathan’s corndog dinner combo.

Question: How will junior running back Lyle Marsh’s arm hold up after he shattered it last season?
Answer: Have you seen the film Rookie of the Year? If that movie taught us anything, it is that arm injuries turn young men into Cy Young candidates more often than not.

Question: Al Bagnoli has coached Penn football longer than freshmen have been alive.
Answer: Not a question, but a great fact.

Question: I don’t know the words to “The Red and the Blue.” What should I do at the game?
Answer: Hum and stick your arm out occasionally. That’s what the seniors do too.

Question: Do people usually do full body paint for football games?
Answer: Do you love America?

Question: Finish the statement: Junior quarterback Billy Ragone is the best thing to come out of Connecticut since .
Answer: Pez. Or ESPN. It’s a toss-up.

Question: How are you writing an Ivy Roundup when no games have happened yet?
Answer: Touché.

Question: Would you bet your DP salary on Penn winning the title again?
Answer: They don’t take bets that small in Vegas.

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