To hold hands or not to hold hands

They've been together for two years, but they still can't hold hands in public.

Kate, a College sophomore, began dating Dan, a University of Charleston sophomore, while still in high school. Still together, their biggest relationship issue isn't that they are long distance - it's that they are a secret.

Early in the romance, Kate, whose name has been changed to protect her anonymity, made one condition: Her parents couldn't know the truth.

Dan is neither Hindu nor Indian - two requirements for romantic partners in Kate's family - and at the time they began seeing each other, Kate wasn't allowed to date at all.

Now, two years later, Kate's parents still have no idea. Meanwhile, her brother and the majority of her hometown, including Dan's family and the local golf club - which Dan, Dan's father and Kate's father all frequent - know about the relationship and keep it secret.

Secret romances like Kate's are difficult to track, but are not uncommon, said Craig Foster, an associate professor at the U.S. Air Force Academy and a co-author of a 2005 study on secret relationships.

Reasons for secrecy can include anything from workplace regulations to age gaps, hidden sexual orientations to cultural concerns.

Sophomores Michelle and Brian, whose names have also been changed to protect their anonymity, have been dating for well over a year, but due to differing racial and religious backgrounds, Michelle has kept Brian a secret from her family.

As a first-generation immigrant, she knows her conservative parents would never approve of the relationship.

If they were to find out about Brian, Michelle expects they would make her transfer to a school closer to home so they could keep an eye on her.

"With secret-keeping, that's the tension," Foster said. "Keeping secrets is a hassle, but revealing secrets can sometimes create bigger problems."

Michelle is constantly worried that the news will get back to her parents through a family friend who also goes to Penn. She and Brian don't go to many parties together and have made conscious efforts in the past to stagger arrival times to the same place. During vacations, Brian said he calls Michelle at home late at night and must be prepared for her to hang up suddenly in the middle of conversations.

Most of their friends now know about their relationship - as does Brian's family - but "it's not like we're public or on Facebook or hold hands on Locust Walk," said Michelle.

"The deception involved in keeping secrets is stressful," Foster said. "Lying all the time is hard work."

Keeping secrets can also strain relationships, he explained, especially since social support is often lacking.

These romances can prove very "costly," not only because secret partners tend to be less satisfied than those in open relationships but also because secrecy can strain outside relationships, Foster said.

Michelle often feels guilty about keeping Brian a secret from her family.

"It's hard when you love someone so much to hide something from them," she said.

Likewise, Kate is scared that revealing the truth about Dan will threaten her relationship with her mother because she "would never really accept it."

This past December, Kate tested the waters by mentioning the hypothetical possibility of liking a non-Indian boy.

"She just shook her head and said this can't happen," said Kate. Her mother added that all she asked of her children was that they do well in school and marry Indians.

Since coming to Penn, which has a large South Asian community, Kate has been presented with abundant opportunities to build more open relationships.

"There are a lot of people out there I could easily take to my parents," Kate said.

But none of them are Dan.

Recently, a new complication has been thrown in the mix for both Kate and Michelle: the possibility of a diamond ring.

With a potential engagement on the horizon, Michelle has considered the possibility of marrying outside her culture and religion, which would be a "huge shock" to her parents.

Brian said the secrecy has been "worth it" so far. In the long run, he would consider converting if it were the only way to make the relationship work.

For Kate, although marriage "has been spoken of," wedding bells are far off in the distance.

"The one thing that always makes me happy is the one thing that hurts [my family] the most," said Kate.

So, in the meantime, her hand won't be holding Dan's - much less wearing a ring.

Comments (11)

I'm gay. This is a situation that just about every same-sex couple has to go through both on campus and in the wider world. The terror is very real, and the couples have my utmost sympathy. I just hope that, when people read stories like this, they'll remember that their fellow Penn students who are LGBT encounter this reality and fear every day of their lives and that they can never enter into a relationship where this issue doesn't at least come up in conversation.

I wouldn't put it quite as harshly as Been There - I understand that people don't want to hurt their families - but he makes a valid point. At some point, you have to decide how much you value your relationship and take a stand for what makes you happy.

[QUOTE id="0b0f2096-db94-46f8-a8df-deb5906531a1"]As someone who had been in a long distance relationship for three years and one that was culturally "different" (Indian + Jewish), all I have to say is stop playing games. Don't give me the first generation immigrant BS, I come from the same background and I know what's at stake. The lies, facade etc are really your constructs to hide from facing your fears. If you care and are in it for the long run then face up to it, defend it and grow a pair. I certainly realized that too late.[/QUOTE] Obviously it's not that simple... Do you know what some parents would do to their kids if they found out about a secret relationship? Yes, it would be ideal to "face our fears" and open up, but realistically, there are parents who will pull their son or daughter out of college, or cut them off completely if they suspect anything. It's more common than it may seem.. Yeah I think that once we're on our own and we can support ourselves, it would be a good time to reveal a relationship like this, but right now when you think about it, most of us are under our parents' power with things like tuition money...housing..etc. I can handle hiding a relationship for two more years, until I can take care of myself completely. I would really prefer not to be pulled out of Penn and put in a community college, 5 mins away from my parents' house. I'd prefer not to live in a box either.

[QUOTE id="02284f2c-b1b0-472f-bcbf-b990f38975bc"]If they are US citizens, why are they allowing religion to dictate their rights? That would be a more interesting article, "Why do some people allow religion to strip them of their human rights?"[/QUOTE] because being a US citizen does not mean you get to disrespect your culture and your family

Good Lord, you're grown men and women (and apparently some individuals of the 'none of the above' persuasion). Defend your personal liberties. Rolling over in the face of unreasonable personal demands is just the first brick paving the path (of least resistance) to Hell.

If this girl "Kate" has a dad that reads the DP, he'd totally figure out this was his daughter. Just saying.

As someone who had been in a long distance relationship for three years and one that was culturally "different" (Indian + Jewish), all I have to say is stop playing games. Don't give me the first generation immigrant BS, I come from the same background and I know what's at stake. The lies, facade etc are really your constructs to hide from facing your fears. If you care and are in it for the long run then face up to it, defend it and grow a pair. I certainly realized that too late.

If this girl "Kate" has a dad that reads the DP, he'd totally figure out this was his daughter. Just saying.

Wow! What a great article. Thank you for your insightful analysis of a truly profound social issue. I'm sure the Penn community will really appreciate your coverage of relationship problems that affect 0.1% of the population.

If they are US citizens, why are they allowing religion to dictate their rights? That would be a more interesting article, "Why do some people allow religion to strip them of their human rights?"

I agree that it is not that simple. I am in an intercultural relationship (Indian + Chinese). My parents made it very clear to me from when I was a teenager that I was only to marry an Indian man. I hid my boyfriend from my parents for almost 3 years, while we dated during our time together at Penn. It took me a long time to finally face my fears and confront my parents. I can't say it was easy, and I'm still fighting with them (now that I'm engaged to him). But after all the trouble, I know I'm making the right decision. My advice to all the couples struggling with the same issues: Take your time until you feel ready, be realistic about what your parents' reaction will be, and trust your instincts. Good luck!

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