The Daily Pennsylvanian :: Jim Newell | Why I won't donate to the capital campaign

During my wanderings on the Saturday of my first Homecoming as a Penn alumnus, I came across what appeared to be Epcot Center on College Green. As I found out, the campy festivus was actually the kickoff of Penn's new, $3.5 billion capital campaign. Penn, you slut!

Anyone else go to this thing? Lasers! Amy Gutmann in strapless red! Promotional campaign videos featuring students with fun ethnic names! But hey, what about that three-beer limit? If you're throwing a party celebrating the end of the world, at least get the kids drunk.

So. Stupid.

If Epcot Center is an instance of everything capitalism can do bad, this kickoff campaign was an instance of everything Penn can do worse. And although the night's producers thoroughly described the campaign's goals with such expository language as "Making History" and "A New Kind of University," I still had some questions afterwards - picky me! - and would like to present them here.

OK OK, I'll ask just one for President Gutmann: Are you seriously asking me for money now, after you've been embarrassing the school for the last seven weeks? I'm referring to the administration's complete unwillingness to disclose the reason(s) for beloved ex-Admissions Dean Lee Stetson's mysterious, immediate resignation on Aug. 30.

It's like a babysitter refusing to feed an infant its Gerber, and then at the end of the day asking that infant for $3.5 billion.

As an editor of the blog IvyGate, where I track the news, gossip and douchebags of all eight Ivies, no story this fall - not even scabies outbreaks at Harvard, or secret Yale sex tapes! - has carried nearly as much intrigue as "the Stetson Affair."

Like the DP, we at IvyGate have offered previously unexplored degrees of anonymity to any in-the-know officials willing to wax Stetson, but they've all taken blood oaths or something and won't spill the beans. (Fortunately IvyGate is a blog, and since there are no "laws" on the Internet, we published some of the Stetson rumors in September. Good times.)

Their silence, however, has been somehow more edifying than University spokesperson Lori Doyle's curt offerings. Doyle, who we have very generously euphemized as "icy" and "stoic" on IvyGate, famously responds to most Stetson inquiries with, "The reasons for his departure are private and confidential."

Imagine my surprise, then, when an article in the DP about IvyGate and similar blogs quoted her as saying, "We try our best to make sure the blogs have accurate information about Penn but frankly, there is not very much we can do to influence their stories."

A lie, and then another lie. The administration doesn't give us information, and there's a lot they can do to influence our stories. They can give us information, for example.

As fun as it is, there's no point in picking on Lori Doyle for having to spew out the administration's inane drivel whenever the DP, IvyGate, or I don't know, potential donors want to know if there's misconduct among the school's top ranks.

While various rumors offer scandalous explanations for Stetson's departure - some of them even provide decent evidence, I might add - curious, proud Penn alumni such as myself want to see them buried. I make fun of Penn a lot (though not as much as Columbia), but anyone who caught me four-beers-down at Smoke's during Senior Week has heard me say it: Penn offers the fullest undergraduate experience in American higher education. I meant that then and am trying to mean it now, but this silly, ethically questionable administration keeps getting in the way.

I'm trying to do this writer thing nowadays, so it's unlikely that I'll ever have disposable income to donate. Maybe some day, however, I'll find a clean $20 bill on the street that explodes unless I give it to an Ivy League university. Will I give it to my alma mater, or maybe to Harvard, a school that shits $3.5 billion fundraising campaigns after its morning coffee?

Mini-cheeseburgers and tight red dresses, while very pretty, won't open my wallet. An institution that brazenly disregards its constituents' concerns and then panhandles among the same crowd should learn its damn P's and Q's. Whether the Stetson Affair involved misconduct or not, I'll gladly consider ("consider") donating if and when the administration discloses the truth.

And if you're going to have a laser show, it's going to take more than three beers for us to enjoy it.

Jim Newell is a former editor of 34th Street and a contributing editor to IvyGate. He graduated from the College in 2007.

Comments (15)

I don't have a lot of money to give so I doubt the administration cares about me. But I stand with the author on this one. We give because we feel like a part of something or a connection to something. As the "It's simply insane" story in today's paper shows, all we alumni feel a part of now is a DISconnected group that's being jerked around by the administration. Gutmann and her cronies are sticking up a gigantic collective middle finger at all of us. I don't want to give any more to a group that's lying and covering up. While this may have been going on in the past, in fact, I'm sure it was, I appreciate that the DP has made this so public so that we hold them accountable for trying to fool their largest source of income.

Why do people, especially undergraduates, care so much about Dean Stetson's departure and the circumstances surrounding it. I have never met him, never had any interaction with him, never seen him, never heard him speak, and I am a senior. Maybe it's because I wasn't in his math class (he's a math prof right?) or maybe it's because for the most part the only time you hear from him is in your acceptance or rejection letter. It is quite clear that the reasons for his departure are of a very private nature that he does not want expressed to th 20,000 students of the university and thousands more people on top of that. I trust that the university is being truthful and honest with us in this. While I understand that it may bother and/or frustrate some of the higher-up university officials, they need to realize this too.

How many beers did you have while writing this gem of journalism? I find the conspiracy theories about Stetson as a socialist generalissimo with plans to nationalize America's higher education system more entertaining than this rambling piece. �?Amy Gutman was a class-act Saturday, with impeccable style and dazzling aplomb. �?If you wanted more beer, you could have just washed off the hand stamp, come in through another entrance, and gotten another bracelet. �?It's likely that the administration is concealing something so horrible and disturbing about Stetson that the awkward silence is preferable to honesty. So, leave it alone, Oedipus, or we'll never get that 3.5 billion.

jim, you forgot to dumb down your style of writing for the typical penn audience. I fear all attempt at subtlety was lost.

you guys are all so sweet! i'm really glad you liked my article so much. and the rennekamp guy has it right -- donate to my tip lines! ivygate@gmail.com for IG or jim@wonkette.com for wonkette. couldn't have done it without you guys!

This op-ed is a pretty poor excuse for humor; this never would've been published if the writer hadn't written for the DP in the past. That being said, the thesis is a good one: alums shouldn't donate money to an administration that is being tight-lipped about what is almost certainly a case of ethical or legal misconduct. I just wish that an alum with some real deep pockets would write something a bit more serious to grab Gutmann's attention, rather than an IvyGate blogger who, by his own admission, can't give money anyway.

The point of this article is valid, but the way in which it is written is ridiculous. I guess you can't expect a lot from someone who writes for IvyGate. Why make stupid remarks about Amy Gutmann's dress and ludicrous complaints about the three-beer limit? The Celebration on the Green was a great event for Penn, and if anything, you should be glad about it. You think the campaign's motto is over the top? You don't like Amy Gutmann in a nice dress for a nice occasion? You have a problem with free food and three free beers? You didn't like the laser show? I bet if you organized a fundraising campaign, in the "sober" style you seem to like, you woudln't have raised a lot of money. So next time you try to make a point, please stick to the arguments so you can be taken seriosly. Avoid being, as you say, So. stupid.

[QUOTE id="1503c737-3bdb-424b-90b1-f8f2a27da378"]You're now allowed to say shits on the op-ed page of the DP? What the hell?[/QUOTE] YOU weren't allowed to use it Melody. But for Jim, they'll make an exception. Can you shits at NPR?

[QUOTE id="100aa4e0-2947-4fb0-896e-d5ae6d1dae08"]Hey Jim Newell, Stop being such a provocative c*nt. That was so easy, almost as easy as, say, a gazelle.[/QUOTE] excuse me, i don't take orders from the Chewish lobby.

You're not donating because you can't find out the reason that one official, out of the thousands at Penn, left the place? Boo hoo. Come on Jimbo. And Mel, you could always say shit on the Ed Page. They just didn't trust you to use it.

This tawdry piece is as much advertisement as opinion; the word �?Ivygate�? appears on the page a total of seven times. The headline should read, �?Screw Penn - Donate to My Tip Line!�?

I will not donate any more money until the police department replaces the leader and we see some real reduction in crime.

[QUOTE id="1503c737-3bdb-424b-90b1-f8f2a27da378"]You're now allowed to say shits on the op-ed page of the DP? What the hell?[/QUOTE] What the fuck!

You're now allowed to say shits on the op-ed page of the DP? What the hell?

Heh, cool article.

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