*Beating an undead horse

Barbaro survived the glue factory, but is flailing in his comeback year. The former Kentucky Derby winner failed to place in his last three races.

*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

As the lethal injection coursed through Barbaro's body at Penn's New Bolton Center, just about everyone had given up on the thoroughbred phenomenon. Everyone, that is, except his jockey, Edgar Prado.

When the Kentucky Derby winner was euthanized on Jan. 29 due to laminitis in his left rear hoof, Prado was the only one who believed the three-year-old colt still had anything left.

"His pulse was gone, and his eyes were vacant," Prado said, "but the desire was there. I could feel it."

With space a premium in the New Bolton Center, Prado and a group of Peruvian immigrants lugged the 1,000-odd pound equine cadaver to the Old Bolton Center in Ambler, Pa. for treatment. The center is home to the only known functional "Pet Sematary," whose soil has been known to breathe new life into dead tissue.

When the horse died, "there was no discussion" about where to take it, said Jud Crandall, head of the Old Bolton Center communications office. "The decision was made immediately."

Where to take the colt may have been an easy choice, but his rehabilitation was anything but.

After grueling physical therapy and a series of reconstructive surgeries, Barbaro was able to return to the track just two months after death. And he's done it with a new soul and a new look.

Once a graceful physical specimen, Barbaro now sports a complex system of bolts and wires fastening his head to his torso that has necessitated the first pit crew in the history of horse racing.

Even so, Franklin Stein, the Old Bolton Center's top mad scientist, is optimistic about the horse's prospects for a full recovery.

"While there are some signs of zombie-ism, that is perfectly normal after playing God," Stein said after the reanimation procedure. "The most important thing is that the laminitis is cured."

However, when the media followed up to report on his new life, the horse was anything but amused.

"When I found out what they were saying in the papers - that my leg injury led to my death - I was pissed," Barbaro said through his translator, Mr. Ed. "I'm like, 'Really, Doc, did the laminitis do it? Because I have a hunch that it was the [expletive] needle that you jammed into my flesh!"

"I'm not allowed to comment on medical coverage, so I won't say this was an abomination, and no one wanted to call it that," Columbia football coach Norries Wilson said.

But after putting the outburst behind him, Barbaro set his sights on that elusive Triple Crown. However, even for a onetime Derby winner, the road back to the top is not paved with carrots and apples.

After owner George Widener relinquished ownership of Barbaro, the horse has had to run low-budget venues to try to scrape his way back to the top. And after failing to place in three straight races, it's becoming more and more apparent that, as the lethal concoction made its way through his veins, it somehow missed his heart.

"It's a humbling experience," Barbaro said. "After a lifetime of luxury, running the most historic tracks, being looked up to, having sex with fillies all day, being down and out has really made me think. Mostly about fillies."

And while he is still the same media darling he was before he had an artificial pulse, the zombie-ism cited by Stein has left Barbaro with a noticeably strange aftereffect.

"Sometimes it's like he's a completely different horse," Prado said. "I can feel him watching me at every moment, and I know he's thinking about tearing into me and eating my brain. It creeps the hell out of me."

But the heebie-jeebies are a small price to pay to get Barbaro back into the forefront of racing again.

Although he once endeared America with his near-perfect stride and strong build, now he is charming the nation with his 'riches to rags' story.

And the resurrected star is just happy to drink it all in and cherish the moment.

"The other day I was cantering past a pet store, and I saw a golden retriever wolfing down a plate of Alpo," Barbaro said. "It just really made me take stock of the second chance I've been given.

"I'm just glad to be up and competing again, and not soaking in my own gravy."

Comments (24)

Get a sense of humor. You have to admit the amount of media attention this horse got was a bit ridiculous and this article is just satirizing that ridiculousness. He's a horse and he's dead, I'm not sure how an article can be insensitive towards him.

[QUOTE id="123d57e9-ffdc-47d3-afc6-5ad45a9bbf03"]This article is disgusting. How dare you be so insensitive toword Barbaro and the great people who took care of him at your University. Show some respect. Shame on you! RIP Barbaro.[/QUOTE] The title of the story alone is funny enough to justify it all. Shame on you for being a pedantic moralist.

The Barbaro fanboys (and fangirls) need to slowly remove the riding whips from their anuses. I don't know what it's like, but I imagine it's easier to smile and be merry without Barbaro's riding crop up there. And "beating an undead horse?" Precious!

it's the joke issue, dumbass. joke. issue.

barbaro is just a horse...let's not forget that

Let's not forget what pays for the bills at NBC. It is sick and injured animals. The life of Barbaro has impacted and will continue to impact NBC for a long time. Hopefully supporters of this article will not be veterinarians. Remember if your mother would be disappointed in what you say, then don't say it. I also would say that when you need a hug because you lost a animal I will be the first to tell you I know how you feel and that I am sorry for your loss. Maybe you could consider an apology to save you from the future results of your words here.

The responses to this article make "The Messiah Comes..." funnier than I possibly could have imagined. Hey MW, RA and Linda Lee, I'm interested in becoming a Barbarologist, could you invite me to one of your meetings?

[QUOTE id="4e5d8d89-7cbd-42e7-ad1c-f8ed1b1b437e"]I can't invite you to something that I am not a member of. But you have an invitation to be a member of the Family of Jesus, Father's name is God. JUST ASK! [/QUOTE] Last time I asked, God told me I had dominion over the animals and Jesus told me to ignore the downtrodden and helpless and instead come to him, as "the poor/meek will always be among us."

If you love animals more than people, you deserve to be turned into glue and dog food with the rest of the asses!

[QUOTE id="4e5d8d89-7cbd-42e7-ad1c-f8ed1b1b437e"]The responses to this article make "The Messiah Comes..." funnier than I possibly could have imagined. Hey MW, RA and Linda Lee, I'm interested in becoming a Barbarologist, could you invite me to one of your meetings?[/QUOTE] Glad you are speaking and listening to God. Will see you in heaven. I was merely telling you that I believe in God, not the Barbarologist as you asked. The following has been my sign off on the Tim Wooley website since Barbaro's injury. Horse Hands Across America and the World! Keep the Faith! God spoke "Horse" and it was amazing! I Get It!

[QUOTE id="4e5d8d89-7cbd-42e7-ad1c-f8ed1b1b437e"]The responses to this article make "The Messiah Comes..." funnier than I possibly could have imagined. Hey MW, RA and Linda Lee, I'm interested in becoming a Barbarologist, could you invite me to one of your meetings?[/QUOTE] No need to ignorantly bash a religion in the joke story comments. Also, check Matthew 25:41-46. Last, great story. I cannot believe the Barbaro story is what has people upset : )

The comment function seems a little off. My comment was intended for "." not Patrick.

You are SICK! Anyone who agrees with you is SICK! But what upsets me the most is you are the future. Speaking on religion, I only hope the second coming of Jesus occurs before you are put in charge of anything else. God help us all. I also hope Edgar sees this and takes you to court, but I know he won't because he is a far better person than you will EVER be I also can't believe that Upenn would allow this garbage to be printed after all the wonderful publicity Barbaro brought to it. Hope the Laminitis Fund & the Barbaro Fund doesn't suffer because of your stupidity.

Gage- kudos to you, I think this was the funniest article in the whole paper today. Great job!

To quote the brilliant and underrated scholar known as Ralph Cifaretto: So what? It was f*cking horse!!!!! A F*CKING HORSE!!!!! speaking of four legged mammanls, you donkeys that believe this sh*t and get offended, where is your moral outrage for millions of american childern who have no health care, or genocide in Sudan? Nope, you f*cking waste of human skin, you are offended because of a F*CKING HORSE!

[QUOTE id="071f36d1-0e05-4741-bdb0-a2326519ab32"]To quote the brilliant and underrated scholar known as Ralph Cifaretto: So what? It was f*cking horse!!!!! A F*CKING HORSE!!!!! speaking of four legged mammanls, you donkeys that believe this sh*t and get offended, where is your moral outrage for millions of american childern who have no health care, or genocide in Sudan? Nope, you f*cking waste of human skin, you are offended because of a F*CKING HORSE![/QUOTE] Then go give money to Sudan and vote for Hillary Clinton. I am most of the people who read or contribute to this rag are liberal anyways.

Again, It's a F-ING HORSE!!!!!! Ok, so let's get this straight, conservatives care more about dead horses than human children. I thought that was just a stupid generalization, but apparently, it's true. I didn't think that a bloody four legged glue-stick was a conservative/liberal issue. Please pour gas over your head and smoke a cigarette.

[QUOTE id="7e439478-b6ac-42ef-86ec-8269fffd3027"]Again, It's a F-ING HORSE!!!!!! Ok, so let's get this straight, conservatives care more about dead horses than human children. I thought that was just a stupid generalization, but apparently, it's true. I didn't think that a bloody four legged glue-stick was a conservative/liberal issue. Please pour gas over your head and smoke a cigarette.[/QUOTE] Well, excuse me for misinterpreting you original post. It sounded straight from the liberal playbook. Surprised you didn�?t mention the war in Iraq or that the Government bombed the twin towers. I do apologize for one thing though. I should have kept my original comment to be relevant to the story and not follow your lead in discussing sh*t that isn�?t relative. After all that�?s what liberals do.

I find your attempt at humor here to be pretty disgusting. The story of the treatment and care of Barbaro brought more positive attention to your university than anything in your history. If you want to make fun of something, start with your athletic programs.

This article is disgusting. How dare you be so insensitive toword Barbaro and the great people who took care of him at your University. Show some respect. Shame on you! RIP Barbaro.

I noticed that when I submitted earlier comments a message confirms the post and then states that someone will read for content. I am VERY offended by the use of vulgar language. Your posts read a lot better without the use of this type of language. Also the statement about children. I have personally raised a child (from 3 days old) that is not in anyway related to me. The child is now 10 years old. Don't tell me that I care more about animals then children. The bottom line is I CARE!

You care about a dead horse. AWWWWWW You know that you might want to focus those efforts on the millions of abused animals who are inhumanely slaughtered and kept in cages not much bigger than they are....OOPS, that sounds liberal, aw shucks... Just go back to caring way to much about a four-legged flea bag you never met and only saw race once.

Horses don't get fleas. My focus is perfectly OK. I care about children, adults, animals, trees and plants, etc. Here is my funny for you... I did use my name you didn't that is unless it is simpleton.

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