I really enjoyed this article. As a Jewish woman who has dated both Jewish and non-Jewish men, I have recieved both praise and criticism from family members for these choices. This is somewhat ironic because many of my relatives have intermarried and have had very happy marrages and raised their children Jewish. Their spouses have never converted, but they have remained accepting and supportive of their children's Jewish education. My grandparents have seen this happen - successful intermarriages where betrayal of faith was not the result, and yet they still retain the convictions of their WWII era upbringing. I can't say I blame them, but I think a little more tolerance is certainly overdue. Thanks Yuri.

Finally, a well-written piece that reflects the value of a Penn education. I was an undergrad at Penn when WATU was instituted as part of the curriculum; I'm glad to see its effectiveness demonstrated as well as a healthy sense of exploration and intellectual curiosity. Great job, Yuri! Very thought-provoking work.

A large portion of the student population do not date or interact out of their social groups, and the most elitist, insular, and arrogant people I have ever met are Jews. Most of the Jewish women at Penn tend to be racist. They won't even consider a Gentile. Although they have the freedom to choose, they should wear a sign denoting that they're Jewish, racist, and a snob.

[QUOTE id="3bc94129-b8be-451a-a575-76d6ccd4ce3d"]Most of the Jewish women at Penn tend to be racist. They won't even consider a Gentile. [/QUOTE] Sorry Buddy, but choosing to date a specific race of person does not make one a racist. Perhaps, in some obscure, technical sense of the word you are correct, but not in common parlance.

[QUOTE id="3bc94129-b8be-451a-a575-76d6ccd4ce3d"]A large portion of the student population do not date or interact out of their social groups, and the most elitist, insular, and arrogant people I have ever met are Jews. Most of the Jewish women at Penn tend to be racist. They won't even consider a Gentile. Although they have the freedom to choose, they should wear a sign denoting that they're Jewish, racist, and a snob.[/QUOTE] Buddy, are you *still* hanging out here, posting your racist garbage every time the word "Jew" is mentioned? As a current Penn senior who is likely far more familiar with the social scene here than you, I can tell you that you're either just an anti-semetic person to begin with and you've based your observations on this bias, or just a sick, hallucinating person who thinks the whole world is out to get him. Or, alternatively, you're just a total loser, bitter that no girl would date you at college, and you've decided to take it out on the Jews. In any case, you've been posting this identical post for years now, and everyone thinks you're just an racist scumbag, so it's time to give it a rest.

Both of my parents were jewish, about 20 years ago I made the choice to marry a non jewish person. I felt it didnt matter if my spouse followed a different religion. It wasnt a problem until we had kids. I can go on for hours about the problems that evolve once kids come into the picture. To sum it up a young jewish girl I know, married a guy who was not jewish. They have a child who is being introduced to both judism and her husbands religion. The mother said to her child" Sweetheart I love you" and her son replied " I love you to mommy but I love Jesus more" As a jewish father how would you react to that? So yeah you can pass your heritage down to your children but they have their own minds and will decide for themselves what they want to believe in. There is alot to think about before you decide to marry outside of your religion.

I would never date a Jew. Does that make me a racist?

[QUOTE id="71850549-c212-431d-9ea3-20fb103b3695"]I would never date a Jew. Does that make me a racist?[/QUOTE] It might be. I think it's okay to specify a race/religion you WILL date (i.e., "I'll only date Jews.") but not okay to specify a race/religion you WON'T date (i.e., "I would never date a Jew.").

[QUOTE id="71850549-c212-431d-9ea3-20fb103b3695"]I would never date a Jew. Does that make me a racist?[/QUOTE] Are you pointing out the irony of such a distinction or do you really mean that?

an analogy that i think illustrates why this is a big deal for jews and why it's not as simple as just letting people intermarry and do their own thing: if you picture the jewish faith as the suitcases on "deal or no deal," each time someone picks a big number, that's someone intermarrying and having their kids being raised not jewish. you can't expect people to just sit there clapping their hands like idiots saying "that's ok, that's ok" when in reality the situation isn't so great and the numbers of jewish people are dwindling. that's why it upsets people. attitudes like yours only further their anguish.

How ridiculous and hypocritical...it's fine to express the exact same sentiment just by varying the syntax? And there is nothing wrong with the sentiment in either form...a Jewish person who states that he will "only date Jewish women" is by default saying that he WON'T date Christians, Muslims, Hindus, etc.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm killing Judaism as well, except I'm not Jewish. My fiancŽ is. I want to marry my fiancŽ because I love her, not because of religion. In fact, I can't imagine having limited myself to a subset of women solely on the basis of religion. But in fairness, I don't place much weight on religion as I'm atheist. With regard to this issue, a lot of emphasis is placed on the Jewish perspective of inter- marriage, and with good reason. But there is also the other perspective, that of the non-Jew marrying a Jew. It is not an easy place to be- if you don't feel guilt yourself for contributing to the "problem" of inter-marriage, it is easy to feel that you will always be somewhat inadequate in the eyes of your new family or the Jewish community, regardless of how great of a partner you may be in other areas. Thank you for a thoughtful column on this complicated issue.

[QUOTE id="71850549-c212-431d-9ea3-20fb103b3695"]I would never date a Jew. Does that make me a racist?[/QUOTE] I think there is a subtle, but important difference. When someone says they will only date another of the same race/religion, usually it is because they want to be with someone who can relate to their upbringing, background, and values, and who will be more likely than not to agree on certain child-rearing decisions. It is not a judgement of other races, but rather just an attempt to increase the likelyhood of compatibity and to make as sound a marriage decision as possible. On the other hand, saying you would never date/marry one specific group of people sounds like a judgement of those people and their way of life. Singling out one group as the ones you would avoid implies that you think there is something wrong with them. Of course, context is much more important than syntax - there is a difference between ruling out dating Jews because you want to date someone of your own religion and ruling them out because of some bias or stereotype you might have.

Why Marry Jewish? FREE BOOK OFFER BELOW -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dating, Family Life and Jewish Survival Studies have shown that most Jewish people today would like to marry other Jews. Yet studies have also shown that most Jewish people today do not end up marrying other Jews! What happens? After many years of research in the field, I've come to the conclusion that it boils down to one thing: many people see marrying another Jew as something "nice." They don't realize how important it is. Once they see it as important, they'll do a few easy things that will make it happen. So why is it important to marry other Jews? Obviously the ultimate reason is the Torah itself. The best way to 'stop intermarriage' is to turn Jews on to Jewish ideas and lifeÐ and visiting this site is a wonderful way to do it. However, we also need to think short-term. With thousands of Jews marrying out of the faith each week, we need to explain why marrying other Jews is important for everyone, now, irrespective of Jewish knowledge and practice. Happy Marriage Researchers report that two-religion marriages have more tension and disagreements than comparable in-marriages. The causes for this tensions range from disagreements about which holidays to observe, which religious tradition to bring the kids up in, different embedded religious and cultural attitudes towards money and a host of other connected factors, and more. These "time bombs," lead to significantly higher divorce rates (sometimes twice as high!) and lower "marital happiness" rates. With far fewer long-term problems to deal with, same-faith marriages have a much higher chance of being happy and successful than comparable intermarriages. This is not surprising since practical issues can seriously affect a couple, despite their feelings for each other. Consider that, presumably, 99.99% of couples who get married are "in love." Yet most of these couples get divorced, often quickly. Proof enough that love is not enough to overcome practical obstacles. And in intermarriages, the practical obstacles are often insurmountable. Effects on Kids Children look to parents as their bedrock of love, support, and care. In intermarriages, children sense Ð and see Ð a lack of unity between parents and it often hurts them deeply. When asked which she liked better, Christmas or Chanukah, one little girl responded, "Christmas Ð but you promise you won't tell my daddy?" Think about it: what are the chances that this little girl will develop into a strong, self-confident young woman? It is not surprising that children of same-faith marriages are more likely to feel secure in their identities, and therefore exhibit higher self-esteem and confidence. These two great dangers of intermarriage Ð lack of happiness and problematic environment for children - have been proven consistently over time and happen to be true for all religious intermarriages, whether Hindu-Muslim, Catholic-Protestant, or Christian-Jewish. They also happen to be true even if the non-Jewish spouse agrees to raise the kids Jewish, as time and time again earlier agreements are put back on the table as people get older. Whatever they agreed to previously, within 4-5 years of marriage, people often realize that they also value the traditions they were brought up with. Then all the problems start. Jewishness In intermarriages involving one Jew and one non-Jew, the sad reality is that study after study confirms that the vast, vast majority of intermarried families, Jewishness simply doesn't last. Even amongst families where the kids are being raised as "Jews only," 79% celebrate Christmas in some form. Only 11% of the children of intermarriage would be "very upset" if their kids did not regard themselves as Jews. Less than 10% of the children of intermarriage themselves marry Jews. When asked what one calls the grandchildren of intermarriage, Milton Himmelfarb is said to have answered, "Christians." Of course there are exceptions. However, in the vast, vast majority of cases intermarriages are seriously affected by some or all of these three factors: in the vast majority of cases your happiness and your kids' stability and self-confidence depend on you marrying someone from the same religious background. Furthermore, when one marries another Jewish person, the chances of a family's Jewishness lasting increase exponentially. What about dating non-Jews? For many people, especially in their late teens and early twenties, dating and marriage seem quite disconnected. It then seems quite reasonable to date non-Jews while still planning to marry Jewish in the end. "I'll probably go out with many different people," the person tells him or herself, "I have no intention of getting married now. When I'm ready to settle down, I'll look for a nice Jewish person." Emotions are stronger than you think Time and time again, the 'it's just a date' approach has proven itself to be shortsighted. What I will call 'interdating' (Jews dating non-Jews) leads to intermarriage in two ways. Firstly, as you may have guessed, you may end up marrying the person you are "just dating" at the present time. Consider the following statements: "For the first six months I enjoyed going out with her, but had no serious intentions of getting involved..." "I didn't think it would become serious. At the time I was just going out and enjoying myself" The quotes you just read are from real people, recounted in John Mayer's book Jewish-Gentile Courtships. It was published in 1961, but the quotes could have been from any time or place. Simply put, we never know what will happen with a relationship. What can start out as an innocent summer romance might last much longer than expected and turn into a lifelong commitment. The first reason to date Jewish people is then clear Ð you never know when you'll fall in love. It's all in the attitude In order to understand the second reason to date Jewish people, let us shift our focus for a moment to the act of giving tzedakkah (charity). The great medieval Jewish sage known as Maimonides explained that it is better to give one dollar one hundred times than to give one hundred dollars all at one time. At first glance, this idea is surprising. After all, the same amount of money is being given. The explanation forms the basis for much of Jewish religious thought. External actions affect us internally. By giving charity one hundred times, we will slowly become more generous people. Giving once, even a lot of money, will not have the same effect. I once tested it out. I kept a lot of small change on me and for a month whoever asked was given at least a small coin. At the beginning of the month, I felt quite proud of myself. Within a couple of weeks, it became normal - 'of course I'll try and help someone out,' I thought to myself, 'anyone would.' Then I spent the next month without giving a dime, no matter how pathetic and needy the person was. At first I felt guilty. Those feelings didn't last too long. By the end of the month, I resented every beggar I saw. 'Why don't they get a job? Why should my money go to them?' I thought to myself. What a radical change in attitude! By doing something on a regular basis, it becomes part of you. If you neglect it, it becomes less and less a part of you. The interdating attitude Our subject is similar. Even if you are not presently ready to get married, if you want to marry Jewish, dating non-Jews is still a bad idea because the more you date non-Jews, the more the idea of intermarriage seems normal. Over the long-term priorities change. Already in the 1971 National Jewish Population Survey, researchers discovered the important but often overlooked statistic that Jews who intermarried were about four times more likely to have dated non-Jews during their late adolescent period than were those who did not intermarry. It is reasonable to assume that most did not marry their high school sweethearts - they simply fell into patterns of dating. Let us consider an example of how this change in attitudes can work. Consider a college freshman from the New York named Scott, with relatively strong Jewish feelings. He wants to marry someone Jewish, and is 90% convinced that he will. Nevertheless, he continues dating non-Jews in the meantime. It is hard to blame him for thinking that it probably won't do any harm - after all, he doesn't plan on getting married for a decade, or more. But four years of interdating and deepening relationships will inevitably change his perspectives and the 90% marrying-Jewish conviction may only be 50% by senior year. Why? At this point in Scott's life the most profound relationships he has had have been with non-Jews. His models for relationships are non-Jewish models. He's never had any religious problems with his non-Jewish partners. Even Scott's taste in members of the opposite sex has been subtly changed - non-Jewish habits and a non-Jewish look, if they exist, seem normal to him now, not any less familiar than people from the Jewish community that Scott grew up with. He doesn't even remember being convinced that marrying Jewish was so important. When Scott gets a job in a city with few single Jews whom he can socialize with, his marry-Jewish conviction drops even lower. He spends two more years getting more and more comfortable with colleagues' Christmas and Easter celebrations. His Jewish education, identity and feelings recede further and further into the background. Office romance has bloomed on more than one occasion and he finds that there is little that he doesn't have in common with the attractive person in question. By the time he is ready to get married, marrying Jewish seems unrealistic and unnecessary. He intermarries. You are what you do The more people date non-Jews, the more likely they are to marry out. Because even if they don't marry the person they are dating now, their own attitudes on the subject change with time. The idea of marrying a non-Jew becomes more and more acceptable at both a conscious and subconscious level, and what seemed very important to them ten years ago Ð marrying someone Jewish Ð has largely been forgotten. MAIN PAGE: Intermarriage...Why Not? ORDER THIS BOOK FOR FREE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This article was written by Doron Kornbluth, the author of the acclaimed Why Marry Jewish? Surprising Reasons for Jews to Marry Jews. More information and free shipping is available at www.JewishandDating.com. Another article by Doron Kornbluth: Seven Ways to Find Your Jewish Soul Mate Why Marry Jewish? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SimpleToRemember.com - Judaism Online

I recently wrote a letter to the editor in response to this column; they almost ran it, but in the end decided against it. This is what it said: Dear Ms. Tillman, I'm not sure whether to be amused or upset by Yuri Castano's opinion piece, "Don't have to date a Jew to be a Jew." Mr. Castano suggests that those who marry outside Judaism and the children of those unions should be accepted into the Jewish community, claiming that this could help slow the shrinking of the Jewish faith. In making this claim, Mr. Castano ignores a major tenet of Judaism, and seems to display a lack of understanding of Judaism's core nature. While it may have an associated demographic/ethnic identity, Judaism is first and foremost a religion. A central Jewish law states that in order to be Jewish, a person must have either a Jewish mother or a lawful conversion, and a circumcision if they're male. Without these, a person cannot be a Jew; by intermarrying, a Jew is literally diminishing the number of people who can be born Jewish. Mr. Castano's statement that "everyone has a different idea of what it means to be Jewish" is wrong. Judaism has an established canon, and it dictates exactly what it means to be Jewish. So when Mr. Castano suggests that interfaith children be accepted into the Jewish community, he is right that they should be welcomed as friends, but they cannot logically be welcomed as Jews. Not dating outside your group is not racist, it's a preference, and in the case of Judaism, a law. Not socializing outside your group is something very different, and that is close-minded. There are people in many different groups at Penn that act like this, and whule it is unfortunate, it's simply a fact of life.

On the basis of what does one consider oneself Jewish? If it's your genetic heritage (ie. your mother was Jewish), then you're automatically Jewish no matter whom you marry. If, on the other hand, you believe Jewishness is determined by one's religious and/or cultural belief and practice, even if one wasn't "born Jewish," then anyone could be Jewish, regardless of whom one marries, so long as one follows established "lawful" protocol for converting. Therefore, in either case, to limit one's choice of partners to only Jews, whether they are born Jewish, or have converted to Judaism, is elitist, or exclusionistic. If one will only date Jews who are Jewish on the basis of their bloodline, then that could easily be argued as racist. Now, that's a word that most people wouldn't take kindly to, any more than one would enjoy being called prejudiced. However, under the strictest scrutiny of the words, I believe it's accurate, much in the save way that one practices "intolerance" every time one takes a stand on something one cannot tolerate, or will not endorse. It doesn't matter to me personally whether a Jew elects to only marry Jews exclusively. What does matter is that we be honest in not deluding ourselves by failing to acknowledge that this stance is in fact elitist, as well as potentially racist. Attempting to use different words to describe this stance merely displays an understandable aversion to the negative connotation of the words "elitist" and "racist," and a reasonable preference for a more palatable word such as "selective." However, I believe this is a smoke-screen of self-righteousness. I am of the opinion that we cannot have it both ways, we can't only date Jews "exclusively" without also acknowledging that makes us "elitist" to some degree, by default. One word is simply more easily swallowed than than the other, but both are accurate in their description of the practice of only shopping in one isle of the marriage deli, because you believe what you'll find there is better for you, and is preferable to what is not in that aisle. By staunchly supporting the maintanence of "we" and "us," one cannot escape the fact that one simultaneously creates "they" and "them," by default. One antidote to prejudice and racism is a larger definition for the word "we." Intermarriage can help stretch the definition of "we," without automatically erasing one's cultural and religious heritage or genetic lineage. Signed: UU married to a Jew.

Dear Rabbi, I am in love with a Catholic woman. I want to marry her. She loves me as much but religious beliefs are getting in the way. Please tell me what I should do, my parents say "no way." Help. Dear Rabbi, I�?m getting married in October to a girl who is not Jewish (she is Hindu, born in India) and we�?re having a difficult time finding a Rabbi who will marry us. Why is this? And do you have any recommendations for Rabbis that would consider performing the ceremony. It�?s important to me and my family that we are married by a Rabbi. Thanks. Dear Rabbi, I will be married (very soon) to a Jewish woman. I am not Jewish, but would very much like to include several of the Jewish traditions in our wedding, to embrace her heritage as well. Dear Names@Withheld, For Jews, "marrying within the faith" isn't a cultural preference or prejudice. Rather, it is one the commandments G-d gave us at Mount Sinai. A Jew who marries a non-Jew transgresses a Torah prohibition. The practice of not "intermarrying" is in fact one of the oldest features of Judaism. It dates back to Abraham telling Eliezer, his servant, not to find a wife for his son from the Canaanites. It continues with Isaac's command to his son Jacob not to marry the "daughters of the land." The practice is mentioned in the Bible as a legal prohibition, and is also part of the covenant that Ezra the scribe had the Jews make when they rebuilt the Temple after the Babylonian Exile. In all the above cases the underlying idea of the prohibition seems to be ideological. As Jews, we have a unique identity that is connected to our purpose in the world. We are the "chosen people." We were chosen to propagate the ethical monotheism of Judaism. In the words of Leo Tolstoy: "The Jew is that sacred being who has brought down from heaven the everlasting fire, and has illumined with it the entire world. He is the religious source, spring, and fountain out of which all the rest of the peoples have drawn their beliefs and their religious. The Jew is the pioneer of liberty. The Jew is the pioneer of civilization. The Jew is the emblem of eternity." We were chosen as a permanent protest group against idolatry and immorality. Intermarriage is therefore antithetical to the Jewish purpose and to the Jewish identity. Can we prove that we are chosen? Do we have evidence? Yes. In a brief look at history we can see the antiquity, survival and impact of the Jewish people as unique and remarkable. I don't think that I can put it better than Mark Twain, in his famous description of Jewish history, "An Essay Concerning the Jews": "If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of; but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. He has made a marvellous fight in the world, in all the ages; and has done it with his hands tied behind him. He could be vain of himself, and be excused for it. The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound and splendour, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and the Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and they are gone; other peoples have sprung up and held their torch high for a time, but it burned out, and they sit in twilight now, or have vanished. The Jew saw them all, and is now what he always was, exhibiting no decadence, no infirmities of age, no weakening of his parts, no slowing of his energies, no dulling of his alert and aggressive mind. All things are mortal but the Jew; all other nations pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?" Intermarriage is a betrayal of our task and of our "choseness." It is also a guarantee against Jewish continuity. Let me illustrate with a conversation heard on the Dr. Laura Schlessinger show in the US: A woman calls Dr. Laura: "I'm Jewish," she says. "My husband is not Jewish, but he is very active in the Jewish community. We are trying our best to raise our children as Jews and give them a Jewish education. Now my son is almost thirteen, and he tells us he doesn't want a bar mitzvah (celebration of the acceptance of one's Judaism). What can we do?" "Let me get this straight," Dr. Laura says. "You say your husband is not Jewish?" "That's right," the woman answers. "How do you expect your son to follow Judaism when you don't?" Being Jewish isn't a cultural affiliation or a tradition. It's being part of the Chosen People. That means a commitment to the responsibility given to us by Hashem at Sinai. Someone who understands this will obviously choose a partner who is likewise committed. Otherwise, it's entering a relay race, but choosing a partner who's running towards a different finish line. Who you marry affects every single aspect of your life. It affects your community. It affects your children. It affects all future generations. The Jewish home is the single most important establishment in Jewish life. It outweighs any synagogue or temple, even the Holy Temple built by King Solomon. By marrying a non-Jew one thereby ends over 3,000 years of Jewish continuity, effectively cutting oneself and one's offspring off from what it means to be Jewish. There have been many other arguments offered against intermarriage, below is a summary of some of the most famous. 1. Six million Jews were killed in the Holocaust, 12 million were left afterwards. Today there are only 13 million Jews in the world. Where are the rest that by natural increase should number close to 20 million? The answer is that the silent holocaust of assimilation has caused them to disappear as Jews. Intermarriages are twice as likely to end in divorce as same-faith marriages (75% divorce rate!). Some reasons for this are the different identities of the spouses and the differences in culture and family. For example a Jew will naturally turn their head at the mention of "Israel" and "Jew." A gentile who converts in superficial and insincere conversion only for the sake of marriage does not create a new identity that is now Jewish. 3. One is granting a victory to anti-Semites who seek to destroy the Jewish people. Think of what has been sacrificed in the past by our own ancestors to keep their Judaism. And think of the heritage that is being sacrificed for the sake of personal reasons. Ultimately, however, all Jews must have a sense of pride in their own identity. We cannot define ourselves by foreign ideologies, nationalities or religions. As a great author once wrote: "Pride is faith in the idea that G-d had, when He made us. A proud man is conscious of the idea, and aspires to realize it. He does not strive towards a happiness, or comfort, which may be irrelevant to G-d's idea of him. His success is the idea of G-d, successfully carried through, and he is in love with his destiny�? People who have no pride are not aware of any idea of G-d in the making of them, and sometimes they make you doubt that there has ever been much of an idea, or else it has been lost, and who shall find it again? They have got to accept as success what others warrant to be so, and to take their happiness, and even their own selves, at the quotation of the day. They tremble with reason before their fate." Let us not live by the "quotation of the day" but rather by our own heritage, the Torah. When Jews study Torah, and identify as Jews they are really just returning to their true selves. In the words of the Rebbe of Kotzk, "If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I; then I am not I and you are not you. However, if I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you; then I am I and you are you." Sources: Genesis 24:3_4 & 28:1 Deuteronomy 7:1_5 Nechemiah 10:30_31 Exodus 19:3, 6; Deuteronomy 4:20, 26:17-19; Isaiah 61:6. Leviticus 22:32; Maimonides, Book of the Commandments 9 A Book of Jewish Thoughts, compiled by Rabbi J. H. Hertz Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer 16:1 Maimonides Hilchot Issurei Biyah 12:1 Isak Dinesen, Out of Africa Siach Sarphei Kodesh [QUOTE id="6cdaa475-b92d-47e8-b534-2514ae51ca92"]On the basis of what does one consider oneself Jewish? If it's your genetic heritage (ie. your mother was Jewish), then you're automatically Jewish no matter whom you marry. If, on the other hand, you believe Jewishness is determined by one's religious and/or cultural belief and practice, even if one wasn't "born Jewish," then anyone could be Jewish, regardless of whom one marries, so long as one follows established "lawful" protocol for converting. Therefore, in either case, to limit one's choice of partners to only Jews, whether they are born Jewish, or have converted to Judaism, is elitist, or exclusionistic. If one will only date Jews who are Jewish on the basis of their bloodline, then that could easily be argued as racist. Now, that's a word that most people wouldn't take kindly to, any more than one would enjoy being called prejudiced. However, under the strictest scrutiny of the words, I believe it's accurate, much in the save way that one practices "intolerance" every time one takes a stand on something one cannot tolerate, or will not endorse. It doesn't matter to me personally whether a Jew elects to only marry Jews exclusively. What does matter is that we be honest in not deluding ourselves by failing to acknowledge that this stance is in fact elitist, as well as potentially racist. Attempting to use different words to describe this stance merely displays an understandable aversion to the negative connotation of the words "elitist" and "racist," and a reasonable preference for a more palatable word such as "selective." However, I believe this is a smoke-screen of self-righteousness. I am of the opinion that we cannot have it both ways, we can't only date Jews "exclusively" without also acknowledging that makes us "elitist" to some degree, by default. One word is simply more easily swallowed than than the other, but both are accurate in their description of the practice of only shopping in one isle of the marriage deli, because you believe what you'll find there is better for you, and is preferable to what is not in that aisle. By staunchly supporting the maintanence of "we" and "us," one cannot escape the fact that one simultaneously creates "they" and "them," by default. One antidote to prejudice and racism is a larger definition for the word "we." Intermarriage can help stretch the definition of "we," without automatically erasing one's cultural and religious heritage or genetic lineage. Signed: UU married to a Jew.[/QUOTE] IM IN LOVE WITH A NON-JEW Dear Rabbi, I am in love with a Catholic woman. I want to marry her. She loves me as much but religious beliefs are getting in the way. Please tell me what I should do, my parents say "no way." Help. Dear Rabbi, I�?m getting married in October to a girl who is not Jewish (she is Hindu, born in India) and we�?re having a difficult time finding a Rabbi who will marry us. Why is this? And do you have any recommendations for Rabbis that would consider performing the ceremony. It�?s important to me and my family that we are married by a Rabbi. Thanks. Dear Rabbi, I will be married (very soon) to a Jewish woman. I am not Jewish, but would very much like to include several of the Jewish traditions in our wedding, to embrace her heritage as well. Dear Names@Withheld, For Jews, "marrying within the faith" isn't a cultural preference or prejudice. Rather, it is one the commandments G-d gave us at Mount Sinai. A Jew who marries a non-Jew transgresses a Torah prohibition. The practice of not "intermarrying" is in fact one of the oldest features of Judaism. It dates back to Abraham telling Eliezer, his servant, not to find a wife for his son from the Canaanites. It continues with Isaac's command to his son Jacob not to marry the "daughters of the land." The practice is mentioned in the Bible as a legal prohibition, and is also part of the covenant that Ezra the scribe had the Jews make when they rebuilt the Temple after the Babylonian Exile. In all the above cases the underlying idea of the prohibition seems to be ideological. As Jews, we have a unique identity that is connected to our purpose in the world. We are the "chosen people." We were chosen to propagate the ethical monotheism of Judaism. In the words of Leo Tolstoy: "The Jew is that sacred being who has brought down from heaven the everlasting fire, and has illumined with it the entire world. He is the religious source, spring, and fountain out of which all the rest of the peoples have drawn their beliefs and their religious. The Jew is the pioneer of liberty. The Jew is the pioneer of civilization. The Jew is the emblem of eternity." We were chosen as a permanent protest group against idolatry and immorality. Intermarriage is therefore antithetical to the Jewish purpose and to the Jewish identity. Can we prove that we are chosen? Do we have evidence? Yes. In a brief look at history we can see the antiquity, survival and impact of the Jewish people as unique and remarkable. I don't think that I can put it better than Mark Twain, in his famous description of Jewish history, "An Essay Concerning the Jews": "If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of; but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. He has made a marvellous fight in the world, in all the ages; and has done it with his hands tied behind him. He could be vain of himself, and be excused for it. The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound and splendour, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and the Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and they are gone; other peoples have sprung up and held their torch high for a time, but it burned out, and they sit in twilight now, or have vanished. The Jew saw them all, and is now what he always was, exhibiting no decadence, no infirmities of age, no weakening of his parts, no slowing of his energies, no dulling of his alert and aggressive mind. All things are mortal but the Jew; all other nations pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?" Intermarriage is a betrayal of our task and of our "choseness." It is also a guarantee against Jewish continuity. Let me illustrate with a conversation heard on the Dr. Laura Schlessinger show in the US: A woman calls Dr. Laura: "I'm Jewish," she says. "My husband is not Jewish, but he is very active in the Jewish community. We are trying our best to raise our children as Jews and give them a Jewish education. Now my son is almost thirteen, and he tells us he doesn't want a bar mitzvah (celebration of the acceptance of one's Judaism). What can we do?" "Let me get this straight," Dr. Laura says. "You say your husband is not Jewish?" "That's right," the woman answers. "How do you expect your son to follow Judaism when you don't?" Being Jewish isn't a cultural affiliation or a tradition. It's being part of the Chosen People. That means a commitment to the responsibility given to us by Hashem at Sinai. Someone who understands this will obviously choose a partner who is likewise committed. Otherwise, it's entering a relay race, but choosing a partner who's running towards a different finish line. Who you marry affects every single aspect of your life. It affects your community. It affects your children. It affects all future generations. The Jewish home is the single most important establishment in Jewish life. It outweighs any synagogue or temple, even the Holy Temple built by King Solomon. By marrying a non-Jew one thereby ends over 3,000 years of Jewish continuity, effectively cutting oneself and one's offspring off from what it means to be Jewish. There have been many other arguments offered against intermarriage, below is a summary of some of the most famous. 1. Six million Jews were killed in the Holocaust, 12 million were left afterwards. Today there are only 13 million Jews in the world. Where are the rest that by natural increase should number close to 20 million? The answer is that the silent holocaust of assimilation has caused them to disappear as Jews. Intermarriages are twice as likely to end in divorce as same-faith marriages (75% divorce rate!). Some reasons for this are the different identities of the spouses and the differences in culture and family. For example a Jew will naturally turn their head at the mention of "Israel" and "Jew." A gentile who converts in superficial and insincere conversion only for the sake of marriage does not create a new identity that is now Jewish. 3. One is granting a victory to anti-Semites who seek to destroy the Jewish people. Think of what has been sacrificed in the past by our own ancestors to keep their Judaism. And think of the heritage that is being sacrificed for the sake of personal reasons. Ultimately, however, all Jews must have a sense of pride in their own identity. We cannot define ourselves by foreign ideologies, nationalities or religions. As a great author once wrote: "Pride is faith in the idea that G-d had, when He made us. A proud man is conscious of the idea, and aspires to realize it. He does not strive towards a happiness, or comfort, which may be irrelevant to G-d's idea of him. His success is the idea of G-d, successfully carried through, and he is in love with his destiny�? People who have no pride are not aware of any idea of G-d in the making of them, and sometimes they make you doubt that there has ever been much of an idea, or else it has been lost, and who shall find it again? They have got to accept as success what others warrant to be so, and to take their happiness, and even their own selves, at the quotation of the day. They tremble with reason before their fate." Let us not live by the "quotation of the day" but rather by our own heritage, the Torah. When Jews study Torah, and identify as Jews they are really just returning to their true selves. In the words of the Rebbe of Kotzk, "If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I; then I am not I and you are not you. However, if I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you; then I am I and you are you." Sources: Genesis 24:3_4 & 28:1 Deuteronomy 7:1_5 Nechemiah 10:30_31 Exodus 19:3, 6; Deuteronomy 4:20, 26:17-19; Isaiah 61:6. Leviticus 22:32; Maimonides, Book of the Commandments 9 A Book of Jewish Thoughts, compiled by Rabbi J. H. Hertz Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer 16:1 Maimonides Hilchot Issurei Biyah 12:1 Isak Dinesen, Out of Africa Siach Sarphei Kodesh