Amy Chan | Take it or leave it

Chances Are | Why I am no longer wearing eye makeup

By Amy Chan 10/19/16 12:13am

This weekend, I decided to never wear eye makeup again. Red lipstick: okay, because I like the way it makes me stand out, but eye makeup: no.

What may seem like a rather non-drastic decision means a life change for me. While I grew up not wearing eye makeup, I was always a little insecure about it because all the other girls wore makeup and I didn’t fit in. Besides that, I didn’t think I was as beautiful as I was. So, when I came to college, I slathered on the eyeliner and mascara so I could finally make myself as beautiful as possible. I thought I was doing it for myself.

I grew incredibly reliant on makeup, to the point where I didn’t want to leave my house without it. My insecurity increased, and even with makeup on, I thought I wasn’t beautiful enough. I still didn’t look like that girl, and I didn’t look like this girl, and it was an endless cycle of never looking good enough.

So what spurred this sudden life change then? In fact, it was the sight of a boy I used to like during my freshman year. I changed a lot about myself to fit the description of the girl I presumed he wanted. I started wearing makeup, I started working out more, I tried to be that “popular” girl because that was the only type that he seemed to be attracted to. I pretended to be something I’m not in order to gain his validation.

Seeing him again caused all my insecurities to surface. I thought I was happy and confident, until he returned and I fell to pieces. I began to have all those feelings again — feelings of falling short, the pain of rejection, the longing to please him. And he completely ignored me. He didn’t even say hi. I went home, cried all night and all the next day, then woke up and realized that I hadn’t changed as much as I thought I did.

I looked in the mirror and saw a girl who still doesn’t like the way she looks. I saw a girl who tries to hide who she is behind heavy makeup and a collected exterior. I saw a girl who thinks that there is only one type of beauty.

I realized that I wear makeup because I am trying to please other people. It’s not a conscious feeling, I’m not always aware of it, but it’s a fear deep down that drives what I do. Otherwise, why would I want to hide in my house when I’m not wearing it?

And I love the feeling of validation when I’m wearing it. I love when people tell me I’m beautiful. I practically thrive on it. When I first thought about not wearing makeup again, I feared that people would treat me differently. There is a certain power that comes with conventional beauty, and I wanted to retain it.

I know I am not the only woman who feels this way. I know that there are so many girls who don’t fit the ideal standard of beauty, and hurt and change themselves just to conform. It’s an unhealthy way to live. I don’t want to do it anymore, and I don’t want any other girl to do it either.

If people treat me differently because I don’t look as polished as I used to, then good — I don’t need their approval, I need to learn to only need my own. If fewer guys are attracted to me because they don’t like my natural face, then good — they weren’t the right guys for me in the end.

The pressure to look a certain way is always present, slowly crushing young girls’ hopes and self esteem. Few people dare say “you need to look like this” out loud, but they reinforce beauty standards by portraying model-thin, perfect-featured women in media, or by giving preferential treatment to better-looking women — after all, they get more job interviews. Then we are unconsciously coerced into wanting to change ourselves, because we recognize that conventional beauty is an unspoken factor of success.

I’m not saying makeup is part of the oppression of women. I know that a lot of women wear makeup to empower themselves. I do think that no woman should change herself against her will because society tells her she’s not good enough. But for me, makeup is another extension of my self-loathing. If I want things to change, then, as Gandhi said, I must be the change I want to see in the world. I’m going to start by getting rid of my self-hatred — and my eyeliner.

AMY CHAN is a College junior from Augusta, Ga., studying English and Classics. Her email address is chanamy@sas.upenn.edu. “Chances Are” usually appears every other Wednesday.