Gina Elia | When truth hurts

The Benjamin Franklin Experiment | Navigating the relationship between sincerity and respect

By Gina Elia 10/26/15 12:27am

Are Penn students sincere? More importantly, does whether they are or not matter for their mental health and wellbeing?

Sincerity, according to Ben Franklin, means “to use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.” Seems reasonable. Uncontroversial, even. But if the implications of that sentence are so benign, then why did the thought of responding truthfully to everyone I encountered for a whole week make my knees buckle?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am not as honest a person as I usually think of myself. Telling someone I like their haircut when in fact it looks awful is a clear example of the kind of dishonesty I practice on a daily basis. So is responding, “Right, totally,” when I sense that a friend wants or needs my support, even if I may not completely agree with their perspective. I spend a huge portion of my conversations simply navigating how to best say what I want to without upsetting the person with whom I am talking, which often involves hiding the truth of how I feel to some degree.

In fact, a lot of how honest I am boils down to my perception of my social status in relation to the person I am speaking with. Almost every language in the world seems to have different registers ranging from euphemistic to blunt for different kinds of social contexts. It is likely that the tendency to consider sincerity as intimately connected to how we show others respect is widespread.

If there is nothing wrong with fudging the truth a little to avoid hurting feelings, though, then why would Franklin list sincerity as one of the key virtues necessary for cultivating a healthy mind? Would he have argued that complete honesty, even to the point of hurting others, was an essential component of a well-balanced character? One man who would likely have responded “yes” to that question is psychologist Brad Blanton. He founded a movement in 1996 called Radical Honesty that calls for people to be completely honest in their personal relationships. He insists that we should all speak whatever is on our mind all the time, which he argues leads to more intimate relationships with one another. Could this level of honesty be what Franklin was suggesting in his list of virtues?

On the other hand, as a diplomat and politician, Franklin surely understood the value of choosing his words carefully — it makes no sense that he would advocate such blunt language. In fact, Franklin does not use the term “honesty” in his list of virtues, but rather “sincerity,” a word which covers a wider set of connotations. To live a sincere life means to pursue paths that are in accordance with our own values and goals, to make decisions based on our principles and worldviews and never waver from them. As long as our principles acknowledge the rights of others and do not allow for intentional conniving and trickery, we are on the right track if we follow them. Along with sincerity in our deeds, Franklin calls for sincerity in our thoughts; we must be attuned to our needs. In order to be sincere with others, we must first be sincere with ourselves.

Wharton junior Austin Bream recently told me about “Penn Face,” a phenomenon in which Penn students hide their anxiety and stress behind a stoic expression in order to come across as mentally strong. Sincerity as Franklin means it does not imply having to tell our professors that we hate the way they go off on tangents in class, but it does entail taking that “Penn Face” off and letting others see us in our totality, as individuals with both strengths and flaws. Though some might be turned off, others will be drawn closer. Experience tells me that this draw eventually leads to friendship, which in turn leads to greater openness and a more intimate connection. The relationship between sincerity and respect is not completely arbitrary — it has grown out of the natural and healthy process of what it means for us to grow close to one another.

GINA ELIA is a graduate student from Hingham, Mass. Her email address is ginaelia@sas.upenn.edu. “The Benjamin Franklin Experiment” appears every other Monday.

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